At odds with God

As I clean up my studio from summer chaos and prepare for a new Artsy Fartsy session and a new group, I wonder if this is for one of the near to last times. So much is unknown right now. Funding, support, my energy and enthusiasm. Don’t get me wrong, I have tons of ideas that I would love to implement with these kids.

But I have other, pressing needs calling that go unfilled while so much of my attention is drawn to this arts exploration for at-risk kids. I wonder if I am spending more time and energy mentoring others’ children than my own. It’s been wonderful to involve my daughters; they are naturals. It’s good for them to get to know people from all walks of life and respect them no matter where they are, who they are.

With two teens, I see that a second income is a necessity and am uncertain if Artsy Fartsy can supply one. I’m awaiting news on a grant that could fund some salary, a first. I know of another that may fund a portion and there exists a third possibility. If I am successful, those wouldn’t be released until January. I’m working on a fundraising letter because I haven’t asked for financial support. So much effort to, maybe, earn a modest salary. The grant writing process is extremely time consuming. Getting the grant seems easy compared to keeping detailed track of expenses and reporting on those and whether they matched what was proposed. As compared to the two hours I spend Saturdays monthly with the kids, there are a myriad more planning, recruiting, coordinating, phoning, researching, grant hunting and applying.

And, now, Reality has reared its ugly head and I must re-evaluate. This week I just don’t have the drive. Other family crises have called me. Is the fatigue talking? What happens to this studio if I drop the program in favor of work? What about my dream to write and do more workshops and classes here?

God, I am blaring, what am I supposed to do right now?

For Pete’s sake, I’ve been discerning your message from June asking me to surrender. I can’t even be clear on that with the help of a clearness committee. First it seemed I was to give up the rigidity of the fibromyalgia. I thought that was working until I hit the 15^th anniversary of the accident which caused it and I got worse, not better. And in this time, I have discovered healing energy at work in my hands, even consciously used them on another. Now I understand my propensity to touch someone when they are hurting in any way like I did in the sauna at the gym today. Do I surrender to this?

Next I thought it was about direction and vocation. Now it seems more about finance and livelihood. I keep reading about the path of descent making one holier and more pure. I tire of that path. I don’t know anyone else on it. It’s lonely and painful.

Then an interesting job possibility pops up – ok, I did do some looking – after I have fervently prayed that if it’s what I am supposed to do, to make it obvious.

I’ve been re-listening to a January astrology reading that clearly says:

• I must chart my own course;

• Not go by my high standards, which are not God’s;

• Trust, but also show up and use my talents;

• I seek adventure beyond the status quo and into the Mystery of the Divine;

• Fulfillment comes from penetrating the depth of my hidden psyche and mastering the shadow;

• Creativity brings prosperity;

• I know what’s right for myself and can answer my own questions with intuition and wisdom.

Where, exactly, is that intuition and wisdom right now? I am so close to chucking it all and looking for a job to rescue me. What’s the lesson right now? The answer? Last night a faithful spiritual friend told me to be patient and trust. Can I?

• What happens when my spark(le) dulls?

• How do I make a decision when I have been following Spirit and everything shifts?

• What am I trying to cast off?

• Where do I find God in all of this?

• How do I remain patient and attentive?

one step

at a time

worked

for

awhile

then a

question

arose

that I am

trying to

answer

and the

answer

keeps

shifting

nothing

makes sense

my intuition is

at odds

with my

head,

making

my heart

anxious

Listen to this post: