Seeing on the outside what's inside

CONFESSION: I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook and, I suspect, am not alone. I am not a junkie because I often find it superficial and a time-waster. But then, I discover a long-lost someone or a very deep thought and am stunned.

So, when my best friend Kathie proposed a Facebook challenge, I shied away – at first. It was a challenge she'd accepted: to post 5 photos in which you feel beautiful. No way, I just hate having my picture taken, then looking at it even more, I thought. But so does Kathie and she doesn't ask me to do ridiculous things. Maybe I should reconsider. Maybe I could just look to see what I have and then decide whether I post or not.

So I looked. I had a few in mind and encountered a few surprises. Instead of struggling to find 5, I had to cut. What probably prompted my compliance was a photo of me and my husband taken a few weekends ago by my daughter at a wedding. I had been struggling with IBS and not feeling especially myself, though this wedding in Iowa and being with family lifted me above the physical plane and back into a wonderfully loving childhood. And I really liked the way I looked in that photo at 55 years old and not, exactly my perfect self. Sometimes we only want to show our best selves and hold out for only that. I am learning that's not living life fully.

Two of the five photos I took of myself, playing when no one was looking. I didn't have to perform or feel judged (not that anyone actually was). I just experimented to see what would happen. I felt and looked not only natural but could see my inner self shining through. The one I always feel but am not certain shows externally.

As a twin, people always compared us, then I began to compare myself and often didn't measure up. I am learning to undo that negative practice and hoping I emulate that for my daughters. I could recount numerous times I felt less than, but I prefer to remember the times I felt fully present and accepted or didn't care. One of those times is still a shocker to me. In college, I was a little sis for a fraternity. It was a lively social life and a wonderful place where all types of people were accepted. On some level I sensed that when I said yes to the invitation to join. It was such an amazing group of guys and girls: nerds and jocks, artists and physicists, partiers and serious business majors, straight and gay. We worked hard, played hard and grew up together. Many of us still keep in touch. When I was voted little sis president my junior year, I was very honored That spring, I was also named the fraternity sweetheart and pleasantly shocked. I am not the typical sweetheart, at least I didn't' think so. It was a boost of self esteem for which I was extremely grateful.  This time I felt I was being seen inside and out by people whom I loved – and trusted.

Of course none of this ran through my mind as I began selecting photos for the Facebeook challenge. I knew the wedding photo and one I took a few years ago with my art would by in my top 5. And then I remembered another favorite: me in Venice with a group of Italian kids on a scavenger hunt. I so felt in my element with them and my husband snapped a photo I cherish. Two others hadn't been on my radar until I began to comb through iPhoto. One was another playful experiment with my new phone in my studio and and the last of me lounging on the balcony of a cliff house in Santorini, the Aegean Sea and strong Greek sun shimmering in the background. Beautiful surroundings can permeate us.

Ok, I thought, I can live with these and without over thinking it, I posted. Just for myself. Then something magical began to happen. People starting liking the photos and post some lovely comments and I knew, once again as I did in college, that others do see me inside and out. Maybe it's time I should as well.

This challenge from my dear friend has helped me see my beauty. Thank you Kathie and each friend who has helped me really see myself.

• When have I been challenged and responded?
• How do those we love often mirror what we also need?
• When have I surprised myself?
• When have I felt truly seen?
• To what depth do I know how Spirit sees me?


a superfluous
request, I thought
posting pictures
of myself

so very Facebook,
the part I detest
most

showing off
parading

and yet the
person who asked
is none of those and
would not ask me
without concern
for me

I reconsidered
and, actually,
enjoyed hunting
for times I felt
beautiful --
captured feeling
beautiful

and there were
more than I
knew

I winnowed them
to what I felt
caught my spirit
best and ...

this look in the
mirror has not
been painful

and helped
me see on the
outside what I
know inside

Listen to this post:

Why do I resist?

Centering amidst the torrent, that's my present goal. Present being a key word.

Life right now is a challenge for many of us. Personally, mine is fraught with uncertainty, anxiety and a lack of clarity. I can hardly fathom my own plate, let alone everything else happening in the world.

Yet, somehow we must.

After floating with a spiritual practice, this torrent has pushed me toward daily centering prayer and a contemplative reading. It's so wonderfully opening that I wonder why, before, I felt as if it were a chore. I can carve out 20 minutes a day for this. I need to.

Even so, by mid-afternoon, I can begin to feel unglued and off-course like I did yesterday. So, I posted feeling so on Facebook, asking others how they center and the response was heartfelt and interesting:

• You get a hug from your husband 

• And then play candy crush to induce general lethargy. 

• Sit in stillness.... 

• Not easy but I think our spiritual centers, even though tested, are what gives us the strength to get through the difficult times. 

• I like to sit and think about all my good fortune in life.... health, family, love, job and how I have more on my plate that makes me happy than most people do. A LOT of people have life a lot more difficult than I do. I just try to be more thankful for the goodies that my life has in it. All the hard things seem to melt away. 

• Silent dwelling with God. 

 • Play at being with people that give you energy. Do some things that get you out of your head. I also lay prostrate on the floor and surrender everything to God. 

• It seems to me it is the work of life to create interior space big enough to hold my own struggle and the larger struggles of others, my own joy and the joys of others. Not diminishing other struggles and joys, and also not diminishing my own. So how do I find my center in that place of spaciousness? For me, there is an element of surrender, what I have is enough, even if what I have right now is hard. And that place of surrender comes in fits and starts and all in the truth that the center is God's goodness.

• Listen to whatever music makes you feel good. I recommend Paul McCartney's "Red Rose Speedway."

• Talk to God one-on-one, read His word, ask Him to show me the path He wants me to follow. Wait...and listen...

I have some pretty wise Facebook friends. They seem to focus on love, gratitude, stillness,  playfulness, creativity, prayer and surrender. ALL of those resonate with me.

As a result, before bed, I pulled out my notebook and made two lists. One for all that I was grateful that day and, the other, naming the things I was surrendering to God. And then I 
slept. Well.

This morning, I continued with the centering prayer and felt God's hands on my back, neck, head and shoulders as loving energy filled my body. Then Spirit, without words, nudged me to direct it to my mother at the Cleveland Clinic this morning completing testing before a double-heart-valve replacement later this month.

A trip to yoga and then, today, I am surrendering into the joy of preparing for a daylong 
retreat I lead tomorrow on naming gifts. Lucky, grateful me!


• How do I  keep my spiritual center when things are hard and take their toll?
• What role does trust play?
• What spiritual practices support that trust?
• What about prayer  and how does it change during these times?
• Where do I find God in all of this?


the words today,
as they have been
all week, were
just right

exactly what my
heart and head
needed to hear

something about
uncluttering the
space and coming
to Spirit with no
expectation,

simply being
there, open
and receiving

that's ALL
God ever asks

so, why do
I resist?

Listen to this post:

In the Spirit to notice

Listen to this post:

Yesterday, I began to count my blessings – one a day during this thanksgiving month – inspired by the practice of friends on Facebook. I don’t intend just to acknowledge them, but to revel in them, absorbing their goodness and expressing true appreciation.

After a cold and stormy few days thanks to Sandy (but nothing like the East has experienced), I gratefully walked to work in the bright sun and brisk air. It was invigorating. I noticed a neighbor reeling in a spider web from the night before and asked her how Trick or Treat had gone, assuming, like many of the rest of us, it was a bust. On the contrary, she’d had a blast handing out treats and wreaking havoc by lowering the suspendable spider on those unaware. It was Joyce’s first Halloween in our neighborhood. She had no idea that her street typically hosts over 500 costume-clad kids. Her enthusiasm was untainted. I also discovered she has knowledge to impart to me, an old-timer, about the neighborhood: a great replacement-window company and specifically whom to call at Duke Energy to get covers for annoying streetlights. She was eager to share and extol the virtues of East Milford.

Often we forget what we have right in front of us. This morning encounter set the tone for the rest of the day – most especially Joyce’s invitation to join her some evening on the front porch by the fire pit for a glass of wine. Turns out we’re exactly the same age and she is a massage therapist. I told her all about my shaman.

I enjoyed a splendid morning and afternoon in my studio, re-organizing after last week’s mask workshop and anticipating Nov 10’s Artsy Fartsy, winterizing around the air conditioner, recovering from endless days of grant-writing and just hanging out in this beautiful space. I decided to make a few Artsy-Fartsy-related drop-offs on my way home. First, to the wonderful man who provides our transportation. I owed him copies of the kids’ permission forms and an invitational packet for his son. Yes, that means I may have boys next week! While Kelvin wasn’t home, I met his neighbor, each of us smiling as we basked in the sun. I rounded the corner to make another delivery and heard my paperboy’s rooster crow. Reminded me of when I’d gather eggs from my grandparent’s chicken house and shanghaied it for a playhouse.

Next on my list was a stop at the home of Dorian, a fifth-grade boy anxious to become part of Artsy Fartsy. I’d met him in the school parking lot last week and invited him to the program. His second-grade brother, Dalton, tried to convince me he was old enough. In two years, I told him, though his winsome smile and charms almost weakened me. They were with two other boys, sixth graders. When I checked their interest, one impolitely told me “art sucks.” I explained, that as an artist, that was somewhat insulting. I then asked what he was going to be for Halloween. With somewhat more interest, he replied, the Scream. I promptly Googled an image on my phone and told him it was a famous painting and that art did not suck. He remained unimpressed. That’s okay, I told myself, I’ve got Dorian. Dorian is a sweetheart and so eager to be engaged. He’s the oldest of five living in a three-room house with a father who’s really trying to parent and a mother battling cancer.

Though I heard crashing just inside the door, I knocked anyway. One of Dorian’s younger brothers answered. I handed the information to the father, who said he’d make sure it was completed and Dorian could drop it by my house, just down the alley.

I walked home to my own children, said hello and set out, on foot, on a couple of quick shopping errands. As I returned, Dorian and Dalton were buzzing down the street on scooters. Dorian was elated when I said I’d dropped the forms off. All he wanted to know is “When is it?” A week from Saturday and you can ride the van with Kelvin. The van belongs to the church next to Dorian’s house.

I adore my neighborhood and, yesterday, felt that God truly placed me here … to live, interact with, learn from, nurture and be nurtured by my neighbors.

• How is this season tapping into my sense of gratitude?

• What are some of the blessings I take for granted?

• How have others helped me see those blessings?

• When have I felt in sync with Spirit, belonging where I am now?

• How have I expressed gratitude for that?

a simple urge,

really, just

to get out into

the sunshine

and walk

with a destination,

but not a

timetable

the luxury

of making

it a

journey

letting

the gifts

unfold

and being

in the

spirit

to notice

thank you