Unwrapping the naked me

Where's the balance between letting go and using our gifts in making things happen?

I tend to swing one way or the other and am a novice at the balancing act. As I wrote last post, I am jumping out of my skin to get away by myself and settle into my real work. Not organizing after the holidays or busywork. But the works that tugs at my heart. Namely, re-packaging the 12-years of journals I have been compiling into a more artful and reader-friendly fashion thanks to the help of a respected editor and a later inspiration AND finding myself again. The naked me beneath the mess of gift wrap, knotted body from overextending and fragile self that now seems lost.

I must confess that the lost fragile self is not as lost and fragile as it previously had been, just somewhat worn from the barrage of the holidays. That self seems to have emerged from the cocoon of fibromyalgia and rearing young children and, in struggling to shed its casing, searches for the best place to land. Not any place. The best place. The one God calls.

I have had an offer of consistent work, not freelance, not contract and not a client. Very part-time with people who know, love and accept me. It's not the sort of position I would have dreamed I'd ever take. But it is an anchor. One for which I am searching. I am not certain it is the right anchor.

So, I need to retreat to sort all of this out.

I had a wonderful suggestion for this get-away, but it was not dependent upon the person who proposed it. I grew impatient in the waiting because my mind, body and spirit would not wait. So I put feelers out several places and had other bids. One unsolicited.

I have choices and though one clearly seems like the answer, I am overwhelmed at the generosity of others in helping my heart find peace as well as its pace.

Yesterday, however, I was a mess. Anxious about where I would temporarily land, knowing my soul needed a boost by being away and uncertain about the offered job. I felt the creative force in me would erupt if it did not have a definitive resolution to when it would be let out with no distraction. When I mentioned this to several at Quaker meeting yesterday, I was met with empathy and understanding. And some yearning, I suspect.

Today, because I pushed, I have the right solution. For me, for now. If I had left it alone, I would still be waiting for something that may or may not pan out.

Today, my soul is peaceful and joyful knowing it will soon have its own space.

So where's the balance?

• What lessons have I learned about letting go?
• And about using my gifts to make something happen?
• Where does the balance lay for me?
• Must I decipher that case by case with discernment?
• What can my prayer be in these times?


all balled up


from too much tinsel
and feasting and family


too concentrated
no spaciousness


which is what I require


to thrive and listen to God


my soul panicked,
but now rests


knowing it will soon
have its chance to shine alone
sans the obligation, tradition and protocol


with only God's call

A hard heart

How do you let go?

Of all of it: resentment, responsibility you feel isn't yours, old attachments, draining commitments, feeling let down?

Just as I feel I am making progress, something, usually external, crops up and I feel I am back at square one. Except I don't usually know that for awhile. And I blame the external for an internal struggle.

Thank God, I have a very wise shamanic healer/counselor. He reminded me yesterday of several things:

#1 Responsibility is the ability to respond.

#2 Choices are not black and white; there is a rainbow of color.

#3 Unmet needs often color how we respond to others.

#4 The creative life requires discipline.


#1
Being able to respond implies a choice, that the answer does not have to be automatic, other- or self-damaging. It reminds me of wisdom I re-learned last fall and must remind myself of again: "IF I can't do it with love, don't do it." This week a school mother called and asked if I'd be on the PTO board. It was easy to reply with an immediate no, yet I felt I had to explain why. I did, however, stick with my no. Much harder when it's someone with whom I have a close relationship.

#2
My gut reaction is always to say yes ... no matter what. I like the idea of a constellation and varying degrees of choices. I adore color, so why not start making colorful choices, not just the dreary black-and-white yes or no. This puts a whole new spin on the feeling-compelled-to-say yes mindset.

#3
How many times have I been upset with someone else, when it was really something within myself I didn't like or had not tended to. Very, very often. I have been paying more attention to my inner children, but still forget, at times, until they grow whiny and get my attention via some thing or one external. No one else will met my needs for me. That's my job.

#4
Trying to carve out time between duties, responsibilities and obligations for a creative life does not a creative life make. Setting aside that time to write and paint, then working the others around it is a truer plan. I get fed, release that constant energy pushing me forward and can then take care of others and other things. I also believe that if I don't respect that as well as my boundaries, neither will others.

Maybe it's less letting go and more re-prioritizing to be my authentic self, the one who rages to create, yet also respond lovingly to others.

• What in my life do I need to grasp less tightly or completely let go?
• What effect is that tightness and inflexibility having on me and my relationships?
• Can I creatively see more colorful, perhaps more Spirit-led, choices?
• Are there things I should re-arrange or re-prioritize?
• What are my inner children/deep needs seeking right now?


a hard
heart is
painful

and not a
place to
live for
long

it's easy
to pin that
rigidity
on others

when, in
reality,
it's within
myself

what can
I give
myself

that I
have been
seeking
elsewhere?