Whispering words of love

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"The price of recognizing Jesus is always the same: our idea of him, of the church, of the spiritual journey, of God himself has to be shattered.*"

There seems to be no escaping this quote from yesterday's Thomas Keating reading. In sitting with it 24 hours, the scales are slowly falling away as some tangible comprehension becomes visible. On a non-thinking level, I knew it was truth the instant I read the passage. Keating means recognizing Jesus in the deepest, truest sense: personally knowing his presence. Not from Sunday-School lessons, drilled-in Scripture, an Easter sermon or someone else's conception. We are called by personal invitation into this mystery in the way we each can individually respond.

Shortly after beginning to attend Quaker meeting, I felt bold and safe enough to mention to our pastor that I wasn't sure who Jesus was to me. I was certain I'd get a firm answer; instead, he replied: "Well neither do I." I am still asking that question and, patiently, Jesus answers:
• As a three-year-old: Your heart is pure.
• As a teen: That was my reflection you saw in your ring. I am here.
• On the treadmill: My feet our yours.

• In a dream: Chosen One.

• In another dream: You had better choose.

• In the mirror: You see me in yourself.

• In prayer: Give all of yourself to God, even the messy and broken parts. They are not yours to fix, but God's. Surrender them.
 • In centering prayer: Just let yourself die; trust me.
• At the labyrinth: I am here always and will give you what you need to fulfill God's will.
• On the massage table: You can put down the burden you are carrying on your heart and in your body because I have already been sacrificed for that.

• In self reflection: God is not outside of you, but within. You have goodness within.

• Through studying Luke: You can't possibly know how much you are loved. Surrender into it and love yourself.


The price has been to let go of my ego that has fashioned me in a negative light, trapped by its controlling illusion that I am damaged goods. Bit by bit, as that perception has been shattered, I am able to see the Divine within myself. As a result, I am attempting to live into the measure of light given me.

Though it may sound unrelated, I can draw a correlation with the recent purchase of a new car. It was hard for me, more so for the girls, to give up our beloved 1996 Jeep with almost 200,000 miles. I'd bought that car new when I had a corporate marketing job before kids. It was a splurge, but also necessary for an interstate commute. After driving small, economical cars, I was reveling in the luxury, showing it off to a friend, who remarked with honesty, "No, Cathy, this car isn't loaded." By my standards, it was.

We've had that car though thick and thin. I was riding in it, tending to an infant, when we were hit. I froze in a twisted position, which triggered a longtime battle with fibromyalgia. In struggling with the concept of a new, replacement, I have begun to understand it has nothing to do with money and everything to do with feeling I don't deserve good things. I have been living in a deprived, poverty mode on many levels, which was quite compatible with my ego's warped message that I am not worth much.

But that's not God's or Jesus' vision of me. Nor is it much of mine anymore.

By surrendering to their love, listening to where I am meant to live, I actually see my divine spark. That light is growing and pushing me outside of my ego's dark limitations, burning my old, illegible map and replacing it with a brighter, clearer one. The experiences teach me that the way I know God/Jesus best is directly

I've always liked myself, now I am learning to love myself, every wart and wobbly bit.**

• How has Jesus shattered your conceptions?
• What have been the replacements?
• What messages has Jesus provided over the years?
• Where are they leading?
• How have you surrendered into God's love?
...
*The Daily Reader for Contemplative Living, March 27 entry by Thomas Keating
**From Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, when her new beloved asks why she's covering herself up, Bridget responds, "Because I don't want you to see any of my wobbly bits."
...

toddling around curious
and still connected


I had no idea
I was anything but
pure


until an uninformed
adult pointed to
black paper and said that
was the color of my heart


I am sure something
rebelled, but I wasn't
developed enough to
respond


so I took that message
deep and buried it


like a shadow,
it has always haunted me


colored my self image


fed into any other negative
comment, experience or feeling


slowly and consistently
over the years,
Jesus waged a battle
against that egoic message


it stood underneath that rusty
locked identity


whispering its words of
love


until the chains disintegrated,
replaced by a flame that
continues to grow
brighter
and bolder

Where ministry meets livelihood

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Yesterday was sandwiched between a traditional Bible study and a new women's group on astrology and archetypes. Could I have chosen anything more different? One is an ongoing study of Luke that my mother initiated in December with, mostly, retired women. I felt called to join because when else might I have the chance to do a Bible study with her? The other is lead by my wonderful and wise spiritual friend and I would sign up for anything she has to offer.


Though they seem like polar opposites, upon deeper inspection, I find they are not. Both are ways of figuring out who we are and what our purpose is. One centers on the word of God and the other, on what lessons the heavens, which God beautifully created, have for us.


Just a few months ago, I would not have envisioned myself either place.


I have struggled with the Bible, not being able to separate the rote and drilled-in meanings of Sunday School with what Scripture actually has to say directly and personally to me. I have experienced breakthroughs in practicing lectio divina (a slow and sacred reading of a brief passage) and when Conservative Friends practice an open-your-Bible-and-be-lead-somewhere study. The first two lessons of the current study actually turned me off with the amount of pure work in filling in the blanks and charts. I wondered what I was actually learning. But you know, it has stuck with me. What has been especially enriching is the perspective of each of the women. It's an eclectic, though not more diverse than Catholic and protestant, group of great faith and wisdom. When I have fallen into my old pattern of literal interpretation, they have reminded me of the beautiful metaphor and poetry of Scripture. And it has spoken deeply to me, reminding me I am called ... as we each are. It has helped me determine where, exactly, that is.


Astrology may as well be Greek to me. But, because it is so symbolic, I am drawn to this new language. Even just learning some very basics last evening and looking only at the patterns in our birth charts, I was amazed at how much I have experienced is affirmed and confirmed. For example, the arrangement of the planets at my birth creates a "splash" pattern, somewhat equally divided. My able instructor suggested it meant I was a "universal" person, a jack of all trades. She also included a description of my zodiac sign, Capricorn. The pattern and sign indicate I have may talents with a penchant for perseverance and slowly ascending to the top, a lonely trek. What it all helped me see in a very detached and clear manner is that I am often hung up on which direction to take because I am able to do differing tasks. Also, that even though I feel called to ministry, I can create a livelihood from it. That's pretty big stuff. We also learned about the meridian and hemisphere divisions. I tend toward the night, being more interior, slower to bloom and controlled by circumstance. However, I also have "daytime" planets, which means I can be extraverted, in charge of my own destiny to some extent and function in the social world. WOW.


I have been playing with all of these lessons, as well as those from last week's retreat, in figuring out my next move. I looked at potential studio/teaching space today and wonder where my ministry meets earning a living. Before today, I thought those were concepts that could not meet; even not sure they should. Today, I believe I can weave them together in creating a new life and calling, which blesses me and others.


WOW. I would not have gotten to this place without Scripture, astrology, last week's contemplative time, a lot of centering prayer, this week's activity, lots of friends and grace.


• When have diverse modes worked together to teach me?
• How do I open myself to new ideas and methods?
• What ministry may be swimming in my heart?
• How do I feed it?
• Where is my balance between ministry/retreat and vocation/work/activity?


learning about Jesus
from Luke at a long
distance from Sunday school
and in the company of
eager and wise listeners


shows me what is waiting
for me, if only I pay
attention and open
to what lies in my heart


oddly enough,
grounding that experience
is peering into the stars
to see my path, where
I've been and what choices
I now can, wisely, make


a heavenly marriage