Freedom in dying to Spirit

Strangely, I've been meeting death in a number of ways lately. During and since Lent, I have worked to surrender my false self, a death in itself. In Quaker worship a few weeks ago in London, the congregation mourned the passing of a Friend and asked the following query:

Can you accept death, make time to grieve, gain freedom and comfort others (grieving)?

In response, one member said in accepting his cancer, "you just get on with it." I took him to mean you make your peace with it, death and God. Another cited a line of poetry: light gets in through the crack. I Googled the reference and came up with a line from Leonard Cohen's Anthem:

There is a crack in everything That's how the light gets in. 

As I have been slaking off jet lag and the luxury of a jam-packed two-week vacation, I watched a movie over the weekend about a widower who can barely tolerate life without his spouse until he meets a new friend. At one point, he tells her she is the crack in his dark world.

The notion speaks strongly to me, then in Quaker worship and, now. In worship, I was moved to consider the death I have been living. I admitted I had been struggling and just "wanted to get on with it as the Friend across from me said – or, better, without it. I find the advice to grieve very helpful. To take the time, so I can live in the light, my light, and follow Christ's path (freedom), so I can get on with that."

One more Friend ventured: "Accepting death means living in the present. There's only now."

I returned to the London Friends Center to spend precious time with a slight book published in 1661 by my Quaker ancestor. She, too, called for death, the death of  a Godless society. She was overcome with the message, to the point of publishing a book, presenting it to the King (Charles II) and addressing the whole of England, whom she felt lived under great darkness. She begged, pleaded and prayed for England to turn toward the light before it was too late. Her words are just as relevant today.

I walked to the British Museum, processing my time with the book, grateful to have experienced it personally. There, I headed toward the Elgin Marbles for a quick visit. Strolling the great halls of white marble, unearthed from their true homes and on display, I felt death: the ancientness of the pocked stone, the costumes of long ago and the unlikeliness of these magnificent figures lounging in a staid room and not atop the Parthenon.

A few days later, participating in a Night of Adoration at Sacre Coeur in Paris, I encountered the resurrected Christ and the other side of death. During my midnight silent prayer shift, I focused on the image of Christ overhead, painted in white and gold on the dome, his heart shining and the rays of what I call Christ energy radiating to all. To me that is the promise of Christ: we each are completely loved. And I believe that is the freedom mentioned in the Quaker query. Love is enduring and conquers even death.

I am repeating that mantra as I mourn the very recent passing of my childhood Methodist minister, who also happened to be serving temporarily at my Quaker Meeting when I was led to return. It was such an easy and natural transition that I know God's hand was in it all.

Spirit,
Let me grieve for the life I am leaving behind.
Let me cut the strings.
I want to be free.
Free in your love and
the wisdom that Christ's
energy continues to radiate
through me and out into
the world.
Let me live in and of that loving
energy.


• How have I been acquainted with death?
• Have I allowed time for grief?
• What freedom lies at the other side?
• From what must I die psychologically?
• What is my current prayer?


full of living
on a joyful holiday

I was surprised
by the dose of
death

it has sobered me
into recognizing
its truth

there is real
freedom in
dying to Spirit

and fully knowing
I am loved
completely
truly
for eternity

Listen to this post:

My job description, from Spirit

Several jobs in the arts coupled with an unknown future for the building in which I rent sparked me to update my resume. I crafted this objective at the top:

Award-winning journalist, disciplined editor, artful graphic designer, patient listener, compassionate non-profit founder and engaging artist seeks to clarify and energize your presence and message, communicating what deeply speaks to people.

It seemed a good compromise between the corporate world and what I do. This exercise also helped me more clearly view my gifts and skills – a nice bonus.

And, suddenly there was a plethora of communications jobs, taunting me and making my head spin. My friend and confidant, Kathie, judiciously selected the four that made the most sense and told me to forget the rest. I had already tackled the arts openings and, yesterday, completed applying for two in the non-profit/education world. I have to say it was soul-sucking to use the online procedure that bypasses a cover letter in favor of limiting text boxes that do not account for gaps in employment for any variety of reasons. Then there was the signing-your-life-away for a background report. It all made me feel a little dirty. "Pay attention to that," Kathie wisely counseled.

In my busy-ness, I have not spent much time in silence and with God. So, today I settled a bit longer with my daily readings and journaling. Lately, my Thomas Keating daily reader has focused on losing the false self. Online, Richard Rohr has been advocating much the same and they both emphasize purification. How incredibly timely for me since that's the precise word randomly selected for me by my spiritual director for this year. "Never gotten this one before," she remarked.

I journaled about the emotional programs I am dismantling vs. what Spirit speaks to me, specifically:
False Self:
• I'm only of value for doing, behaving a certain way.
• Fibromyalgia has proven me less than.
• I don't heal because I deserve this; there's something wrong with me.
• I am VERY broken.
• I'm not good enough to be successful.
• I can't succeed in the material AND spiritual worlds.
Spirit:
• You are infinitely loved, beyond you knowing though I have shown you.
• You are gifted and blessed for a specific task.
• In your dreams, I have told you, you are chosen.
• You have passed through the cross and transcended.
• You have burned your false self.
• Your current explorations will renew your confidence.
• The money/what you need will come.
• All follows love.
• Believe.
• Trust.
• You are growing your faith.
• You have already been chewed up by the corporate world; remember you are stronger and wiser now.

Maintaining peace, Keating writes, amid the false self's cycle of anger, grief, fear, pride, lust, greed and jealousy requires so much energy that can be FREED. "The fruit of the purifying process is the freedom to decide what to do without the interference from the ... fixations of the false self" according to Keating. "As the false self recedes, our energies can be put to better purposes."

God commands us to put on our new self:

"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." [Colossians 3:12]

As I read Keating further and began to explore my distorted  view of God being replaced by the freedom to relate to God as she is, I shuddered with revelation: God is purifying me because I am chosen (just as we all are) and have always been held close.

And then I was compelled to write my real job description:

Chosen: Follower of Jesus with great compassion, tenderness, intuition, courage, depth, faith, persistence, abundant creativity, desire to serve the poorest, great listener, organizer, able to gather others with her light and sense of conviction. Thoughtful communicator, backing of trusted friends, family and faith community. One who puts others first, but does not punish herself. She must be fed so she can feed others. Sensible, practical, able to make the abstract reality, step by step, slowly over time even when the path is absent. Deep knowing and sense of purpose. Requires one who is loved more than she can imagine; she will be shown. Ability to speak and solicit on behalf of others and herself. Can show others how to help in places they never imagined. Will touch countless lives in impossible ways, yet may never see this. But will, innately, know. Will be tempted to chuck it all because she hasn't learned how to ask for what she needs. I will provide; this IS teachable. She will grow more clear and confident.

• For what am I searching?

• What throws me off course?

• What happens when I listen in silence?

• How am I dismantling my false self?

• What is Spirit's job description for me

Listen to this post:

More of Spirit within

Yesterday, I burned my log, which may not sound like a big deal, but, trust me, it was. The log, with hand-cut pages resembling what they represented and bound with green yarn, was filled with all of the the things I am burning off collected over six weeks. Purification is my word for this year. The list wasn't as long as I had expected and, when I read it to my spiritual director, who proposed this exercise, they really cycled down to two BIG ideas: limitation and paralysis.

Ouch, those words sting like anticeptic. The truth can hurt. I also planned to toss out my judgment meter, which I felt was external, but Mary suggested that I may have brought it inside. She's right. How incongruent. I have been using the world's exterior measure on my interior self. I can't think of a more hopeless and destructive combination. No wonder that, for years, I've felt beaten up. Indulging in one of my vices, horror, I watched an episode of the new Rosemary's Baby. A very pregnant Rosemary remarked that she felt like her baby was fighting her. I have felt similarly about my body. That's probably where the comparison ends. Father Thomas Keating writes, of course in one of this week's meditations, of dismantling the false self feeling "like interior warfare" and resistance mounting to "faith, determination and incessant prayer."

I wonder if limitation and paralysis were my ways of controlling the fibromyalgia, which made me feel completely out of control. Is it human nature to need to control? Perhaps it was the false self meddling.

Mary filled her ceramic burner with oil, asking me to hand her a napkin to wipe up spillage. We walked to the cavernous kithen, where she pulled out a stainless steel bowl in which to conduct our burning, then to the lovely terrace overlooking the Little Miami River. As I ripped off each page and fed it to the fire, Mary had me read my notations, then say I was releasing it. I was in a somewhat dreamlike state, but complied and understood the significance. Then we talked about how when we release one thing, something else takes it place. "What is that?" she asked. Hummmm ... "faith, trust, confidence, health, joy and Spirit," I said then. Mary nudged me to include hope. A good call. Now, I would like to add adundance, grace, peace and love. These remind me of the fruits of the Spirit.

As we neared the end of the sacrifice, I commented on the whiteness of the ashes, as if purified by the fire. The day before I'd worked with my shaman and experienced white lava flowing down from my third eye throughout my body. I believe the two are related.

After the last page burned, Mary asked me to notice how small all of these fears had been. "Just look at those small, little ashes. They're nothing compared to the power you thought they had." She'd said. They just crumbled to nothingness as I tossed them over the terrace and down to the river.

With these gone, I desire to be alert and present to noticing how my new tenants (faith, trust, confidence, joy, Spirit, hope, abundance, grace, peace and love) feel. I'm betting quite the opposite of limited and paralyzed. How about open, limitless, flexible and ready for Spirit?

• What in my life would I like to release?
• What is holding me captive?
• What would I choose as replacements?
• How can I burn these?
• How will that make more room for Spirit?


I've been blaming
the fibromyalgia,
giving it credit
and power

letting it
and my false
self dictate
and block

and, as I
undertake
the purification
process and
burn them
away,

I clear room
for more of
Spirit
within

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