This has been the summer of LOVE with four weddings. The
last, in LA, we regret we will not attend. The three in which we have
participated were each a breath of fresh air, incorporating the uniqueness of
the couple with a practical sensibility of aptly entertaining guests in
simpler, more meaningful ways.
Sunday, we were in the woods for the ceremony, the rain
spattering then holding off until we were all safely tucked into the big,
beautiful barn before the torrential downpour. This wedding was truly about
community. Neighbors actually grew wildflowers from seed that adorned the
tables and ceremony arch and a core crew assembled the stunning arrangements.
Favors were woven friendship bracelets reading abiding love crafted by Phillipino women working themselves out of
prostitution. The bride had participated in the World Race journeying to 11
countries in 11 months as a missionary among the most marginalized people.
That’s where she served the women weavers.
Like the event we attended two weeks earlier, this too was
centered on a farm. The message seems to be back to the roots, making these
ceremonies grounded, earthy and very inviting.
And then this young couple pushed the envelope a bit farther
(than half their guests being children and another chunk beautifully
multi-cultural). They asked us to watch a video that really was a sermon. They
described it as the theme of the wedding, matching the abiding-love favors. Far
from the quiet simplicity of my Quaker Meeting, I was reading text and
listening to booming voices on a video monitor. It’s not my style and yet I was
compelled to listen because I know the bride and this must be important.
The gist of the message was that God doesn’t match us with
perfect partners in marriage for a very specific reason: we learn God’s
unconditional love when we are forced to forgive the other’s imperfections.
This WAS big news. I have learned that you don’t marry intending to change the
other, but had not considered how we are moved toward pure love when challenged.
Of course it’s easy to have unconditional love for your children (even if you
may not like their behavior in the moment), but it’s much more of a journey to
love your spouse despite their fault and deficiencies. Let alone how they have
to live and love with yours.
As I mulled over the message on the drive home, forgiveness
as part of that process of living into unconditional love arose. It may have
been a remnant of the day before when I attended a metaphysical retreat on
opening your heart via Taraka yoga. I had no idea what I was signing up for,
just went because it spoke deeply to me.
The gentle facilitator suggested metaphysics is the joining
of mind and spirit and took us on a journey of 13 steps, where we reflected on
our most recent seven-year cycle. Thos steps included some interesting
assignments. The first was a half hour of free writing about love in your life
in those seven years. Used to journaling, my pen flowed freely to the point of
tiring my hand. We had a break, then came back and listed 100 attributes of
love. As I rendered more, others labored to get to 100. I believe regular
journaling keeps me open to these activities.
In three different exercises, we were asked to look at our
first, stream-of-consciousness writing and identify a place where we could
forgive someone, a place we could ask for forgiveness and where we felt love
had been denied. We wrote a letter granting forgiveness, then symbolically
burned it. We drafted a letter seeking forgiveness, forgave ourselves looking
in a mirror and were given an envelope if we intended to send it. Watching
myself in the mirror was very hard, but the longer I did it, the more I
softened and quit looking for the flaws and noticed the child of God peering
back. I know last week’s challenge by my best friend to post 5 photos on
Facebook in which I felt beautiful prepared me for this. Seemingly random, I
know Spirit has been at work on me.
Once again, we were asked to return to the original entry
and identify all of the people we mentioned, one attribute of that person and
whether they would have seized that opportunity of denied love.
And then it was time for another list of 100, the I-am list.
We were each handed a mirror and requested to spend 10 minutes gazing at
ourselves, right between the eyebrows. That, was not easy; many of us groaned.
The last time I spent much time looking in a mirror was during a shamanic
breathwork retreat. Again, I had no idea what I had signed up for, but my young
daughter had slipped her purple princess mirror in my purse as a marker of her
presence with me. I did take a journey during the session and was forced to
look in a mirror. I resisted, assuming I would see evil or ugliness. When I
finally screwed up the courage, all I saw was myself. Nothing scary. This time,
I further softened the critic in me and began to receive the eyes of
unconditional love.
Putting the mirrors aside, we were asked to compare our
“love is” and “I am” lists for matching words. Boy, was that interesting. We
ran short of time, yet I managed to squeak in a quick sketch of a heart inside
a circle surrounded by the shared words, the final step.
I have since delivered my request for forgiveness, which was
met with a hug even though the recipient has not yet read its contents. And I
also understand that my partnership, my marriage, is about growing into
unconditional love not just for myself, but for another who is also less than
perfect.
• How do I define unconditional love?
• Where do I experience it?
• Where do I give it?
• How have I been able to forgive myself?
• When do I see myself as a child of God?
all of these
lovely brides
in flowing white
committing themselves
in community
out there and upfront
to unconditional love,
the hardest kind
but the one with the
best example
it has been a
summer of love
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