It’s something I have questioned, though in different forms,
for a very long time. It may also have been stimulated by my daily Henri Nouwen
devotion that said the world pushes us to prove ourselves and that God’s love
is opposite and accepting. Do I let the
world push me? Why do I feel as if I’m in a continual fighting stance? My body
is tried of always standing guard.
I believe God had already begun to give me an answer when,
the day before, as the girls and I were Father’s Day shopping, I came across an
interesting book, entitled “Feel the Fear … and Do It Anyway,” on the clearance
rack. Something made me pick it up
and start reading. I flipped a few pages in to a section on the levels of fear
and that the root of all fears, no matter the specificity, is the fear of not
being able to handle what life brings.
For me, it was an OMG moment and I mean that in the holiest
and truest sense. I bought the copy and didn’t give it another thought until
Sunday afternoon and again, Monday as I continued to read.
I really have grown afraid, throwing myself into victim mode
and always being on the defensive. Hense, the tightness. Hard as it is to
articulate and admit, I have given my responsibility and power away, blaming
circumstances, things and people for my struggle. Mostly, though, I have blamed
myself.
Blamed myself almost to oblivion. I am beginning to see the
circumstances of my life have, rather, molded me, strengthened some gifts and
opened others. It is making me who I am and who God sees that I am. It’s as if
God gently placed a mirror in my hand and whispered to me to lighten up, see my
true beauty and let go of the rest.
Wow … can I do that? I’ve been wrapped so tight so long, can
I remember? Can I also unwrap this identity created around falseness?
If I think about it, I have already survived one of my worst
fears: living with chronic pain. I’ve learned to manage pretty well and,
really, have taken responsibility for that in many areas of my life, such as
committing to regular exercise, changing my diet, figuring out sleep. One I
have been clinging to is looking at it as a problem instead of an opportunity.
The greatest gift has been a reason to slow my pace and discover God within.
I have been more afraid of living than dying. Sounds so
ridiculous when I see it on paper. Now that my eyes have been opened to viewing
difficulty as an opportunity, the fear seems to recede. As Susan Jeffers,
author of the book on fear, writes, one of the truths about fear is that the
only way to get rid of it is to go out and do the thing that scares you.
Maybe I need to start living instead of dying.
• What drives my
fears?
• How have they
hindered me?
• How have a taken
time to explore them?
• Where do I find God
in all of this?
• Is there a
particular message for me here?
I used to be this and
that
could do this and
that
now, I can’t
that’s what my ego
has said
it’s held me hostage
as its victim
but God has reached
in, deeper than the
ego
and given me a
glimpse
of truth
and beauty
and light
