Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Exposing the worry loop

It makes me worry to think that I am a worrier so, you see, it's an endless loop. I picked up a book on the subject while perusing the local store rack and skimmed. From that, I quickly gathered that one of the primary reasons I stew about things is because, on some weird and out-of-whack level, I feel I have to be perfect and responsible for everything. Being first born, I suspect, has something to do with this.

When I say it out loud to myself, it sounds so ridiculous. I am merely a self appointed worrier of the world. I would like to "un"appoint myself. And I think I can as I realized with that quick reading that there's no point in worrying if it doesn't change anything. Being of a certain age, night waking has become common and that's when the worry button really gets stuck. My mind can't quit and begins to look at the most harmless, mundane things and creates panic. I mean come on, my daughter's math test? She prepared, I got her some extra help and it is HERS for goodness sake! I can't take it for her. There's really nothing else I could have humanly done. Now I can laugh about it. I do realize, however, I may be passing that gene on. So, if even not for myself, I need to re-program for her.

But, I need to do it for myself. Mostly, I worry about things I can not change. The book pointed out that is often because we don't want to feel the emotions of feeling out of control. I believe it may also have something to do with my biggest fear. And I need to draw into that, not away.

My biggest fear. Do I really have to admit to that here? S'pose so. When I verbally commit to it instead of letting it ricochet around my mind, it doesn't sound so menacing. So, here goes: that I will live the rest of my life in the chronic pain I've had the past 12 years. Sounds small and whiny and selfish. But if I expose it to the light, it loses some of its power over me. The logical brain tells me: Big deal, you already know how to do that plus it allows you the out so many others don't have (I can't right now ...) and forces you to do what's essential and important. To drop the rest away.

This warped view I have of perfection also plays a role here. I compare myself to what and how people are that don't have fibromyalgia or how I used to be. If only I had the energy to do that or could jump out of bed, be busy all day 'til my head hits the pillow, sleep soundly all night, and be ready to do it again the next day. And by stating that fear, I remember to focus on gratitude for the things I now have that I did not before:
– A valid reason to slow down (because I wouldn't do it otherwise; would any of us?);
– The ability to say no;
– Permission to weed out those things and people that are toxic;
– A deeper, richer spiritual life;
– Time to explore that interior life;
– Time and space to know myself;
– A rhythm that suits me;
– The ability to take myself outside of the cultural world;
– Being more of who I am.

What gifts those are!

• What triggers my worry loop?
• What unrealistic models or expectations do I use that help create that loop?
• What is my biggest fear?
• What happens when I expose it?
• What happens when I exchange that worry for gratitude?

[The following is wisdom that flowed through me several years ago specifically for Lily, yet for all of us. She keeps a copy of this tucked under the top bunk where she can see it at night.]

    Be MORE of who you are.
    Not less or who anyone else says you are.
    Listen deeply, inside, to know who you are. 
    Not outside.
    Listen to your heart.
    To me.
    To love.
    Love is always the answer.
    Live in love.
    Respond in love.
    Act in love.

No comments:

Post a Comment