Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Arriving at myself

I seem torn between being by myself and seeking companionship. Introversion and extroversion. Being mother and not wanting to be mother. Knowing who I am and being unsure who I am. Being happy and being something else I can't quite define. Meeting obligation and seizing the moment.

Is this the human condition or just mine?

Younger, my life seemed more on an even keel, but I was also spiritually asleep. Now I am spiritually  – mostly – awake, but I can't find the zone of enlightenment where nothing matters. I think that place is a mythical Shangri-La or reserved for those who don't feel with their hearts.

Either that or I have light years of soul work to accomplish.

You'd think that well into midlife I'd have something figured out, but the real truths as I know them are:
• The only constant IS change;
• The more I know, the more I recognize how little I comprehend;
• I am continually growing into who I am;
• The mysteries of life are vast;
• Something so much bigger than we are exists and is capable of more love and creativity than we can fathom and is just waiting for us whenever, however we are ready;
• The world is bigger than ourselves, yet we can permeate those divisions and oneness is the state of true reality;
• Our biggest job is to act as conduits of love.

Okay, so there are probably more, but this is what my brain radiates at this moment. It's a passable list; one I would not have written half a lifetime ago.

I had dinner tonight with someone just turning half my age. Someone struggling with who he is, how he is in the world. With bigger issues than most, but a surer sense of who he is than people twice his age.

He seems so wise for just turning 26. I can't imagine I was that aware at his age. Maybe I've just forgotten. But he's still questioning, pushing and probing just like I am all these decades later. The ONE bit of advice I offered is that it's our life's work to figure out who we are and remind him that he already knows.

And then the mirror reflects that back to me. Do I already know who I am or is that the task of a lifetime? Maybe the answer is both.

• Who am I in this moment?
• How is that different from who I was yesterday or will be tomorrow?
• How am I reflected in others?
• They, in me?
• What are my life's truths?

young and
so very sure

more answers
than questions

now, decades
older and less sure

downright confused
at times, yet

striving to be
the person I am
meant to be

living into myself
my soul
my destiny

will I ever get there
or is getting there
the real lesson?

what happens
when I arrive
if I arrive?


  1. nice sharing Cathy.. i like the entry dicotomy.. this or that.. so often we have simplified ourselves.. heard a lecture last night on prophetic vs apocalyptic ..sometimes its hard to ourselves as the sum of parts.. from the tiniest atoms to our hugest connection to Creation itself.. miss talking to ya:) Linda

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  3. "what happens
    when I arrive
    if I arrive?"

    Yeshua says...

    If you are searching, you must not stop until you find.
    When you find, however, you will become troubled.
    Your confusion will give way to wonder.
    In wonder you will reign over all things.
    Your sovereignty will be your rest.
    ~Logion 2 Gospel of Thomas

    ...there is something in us that knows something deeper in us... we recognize it while we fight against it... it is in the surrender that we can open to the expansion of something bigger... wonder... not peace.

    Your sharing here is powerful! Blessings on your journey <3

    [correction made]

  4. Wonderful to hear from both of you Linda and Sharon and your contributions are so enriching. I love the idea of the prophetic vs. apocalyptic and, Sharon, the passages from Thomas ... how amazing ... a new, deeper dimension. The idea that in wondering there is rest/peace had not occurred to me. So very grateful for all of your sharing! I miss both of you.

  5. Hi Cathy,
    Please forgive this communication in the form of a comment to your blog; I did not know how else to reach you.
    I just started reading a book that a friend recommended and as I read I keep thinking of the journey you share with us through your blog. The book is called "Hinds' Feet on High Places", written by Hannah Hurnard.
    Here is a brief description I borrowed from someone else.
    "Hinds Feet on High Places is an allegory that takes you on a personal journey with the main character, "Much Afraid". She must travel up a difficult and rocky mountainside to develop "hinds' feet" in order to reach the "high places." She is encouraged on her way by the Chief Shepherd, who comes to aid her when she calls, and she is accompanied by two companions, Sorrow and Suffering."
    Perhaps you may add this to your winter reading pile, it is not a light read and will lead to to some deep self observation. I myself have made some remarkable discoveries about myself and have confirmed some other character issues. If you choose to read this book I think you will make many discoveries also.
    Merry Christmas Cathy, and may God richly bless your family.

  6. That sounds like an amazing book and I am delighted you took the time to let me know about it. I will put it on my list and I don't shy away from harder reads. Thank you, Ann! Merry Christmas to you and your family as well. I'll let you know when I get it read (hopefully before the pool opens)!
    -- Cathy