I seem torn between being by myself and seeking companionship. Introversion and extroversion. Being mother and not wanting to be mother. Knowing who I am and being unsure who I am. Being happy and being something else I can't quite define. Meeting obligation and seizing the moment.
Is this the human condition or just mine?
Younger, my life seemed more on an even keel, but I was also spiritually asleep. Now I am spiritually – mostly – awake, but I can't find the zone of enlightenment where nothing matters. I think that place is a mythical Shangri-La or reserved for those who don't feel with their hearts.
Either that or I have light years of soul work to accomplish.
You'd think that well into midlife I'd have something figured out, but the real truths as I know them are:
• The only constant IS change;
• The more I know, the more I recognize how little I comprehend;
• I am continually growing into who I am;
• The mysteries of life are vast;
• Something so much bigger than we are exists and is capable of more love and creativity than we can fathom and is just waiting for us whenever, however we are ready;
• The world is bigger than ourselves, yet we can permeate those divisions and oneness is the state of true reality;
• Our biggest job is to act as conduits of love.
Okay, so there are probably more, but this is what my brain radiates at this moment. It's a passable list; one I would not have written half a lifetime ago.
I had dinner tonight with someone just turning half my age. Someone struggling with who he is, how he is in the world. With bigger issues than most, but a surer sense of who he is than people twice his age.
He seems so wise for just turning 26. I can't imagine I was that aware at his age. Maybe I've just forgotten. But he's still questioning, pushing and probing just like I am all these decades later. The ONE bit of advice I offered is that it's our life's work to figure out who we are and remind him that he already knows.
And then the mirror reflects that back to me. Do I already know who I am or is that the task of a lifetime? Maybe the answer is both.
• Who am I in this moment?
• How is that different from who I was yesterday or will be tomorrow?
• How am I reflected in others?
• They, in me?
• What are my life's truths?
so very sure
older and less sure
at times, yet
striving to be
the person I am
meant to be
living into myself
will I ever get there
or is getting there
the real lesson?
when I arrive
if I arrive?