Remember the golden bubble of God's love I wrote about last post? The one I had briefly and rarely experienced, yet was so confirming of her strong, pure love. Well, I had another epiphany while swimming this morning.
Sometimes I think the gentle rhythmic body movement of stroking, breathing and gliding empties a lot of irrelevant thoughts, making room for deeper ones. This morning, in that meditative place, I realized that the golden bubble is always there, protecting and surrounding us. Can you imagine? It boggles my mind. Always there, whether we recognize it or not.
Most people would describe me as positive, hopeful and optimistic. And, for most of my life, I have been a glass-is-half-full girl. And yet living with a chronic disease, though by no means live-threatening, has slowly cracked that optimism, which makes me forget where I came from and the gifts I have been given. And that God's love is constant, plentiful and powerful.
In my forgetfulness and unawarenness, I waste too much precious time and energy fighting for what I already have been given. I lapse into worry, anxiety, fear and shallow breathing. I become shallow. I just read that the latin root of the word spiritual means breath or to blow. When I breathe deeply, plumbing myself, I retrieve a piece of that feeling of love and remember again. Remember who I am, how I am, that I am loved, and love.
Just now I am recalling a sweet revelation I had while falling asleep last night in that liminal place between consciousness and coma. I had fallen asleep earlier in response to some new antibiotics for an infection I am fighting, then awoke and tried to return. But the thoughts worked their way in and I couldn't find the peaceful place in which I succomb. Money entered my brain and, of course, delayed the onset of anything helpful. Then my thoughts softened, almost dreamlike, and something told me my frustration about not earning money in the present moment is because I am trapped in the eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth mentality.
It seems that I am always "paying" for something though never being paid. But if I can look beyond the almightly dollar and into the exchange with depth and gratitude, I can see that I receive far more than repayment in cash. That things are working within me that don't even relate to materialism. That my current gifts are great and cannot be purchased; only earned with spaciousness to struggle, be myself, work through my weaknesses, learn to trust and open to experience the golden bubble and know it is always in place ... whether I am aware of it or not.
The key for me to remain openly aware, I firmly believe, is a regular prayer/meditation practice that, somehow, always falls by the wayside come summer. Today, I did so after my first cup of coffee, returning to a yogic meditation book from years ago. I started with the practice of ahimsa, non-violence, and worked with using it on myself, then others and tapping places within myself of acceptance and forgiveness. The accompanying meditation suggested visualizing an open, pink lotus in your heart, shooting rays of love, first through your own body, then out into the world. It made me see that when I can be gentle with myself, including drawing boundaries, then perhaps, I won't need the shield of fibromyalgia to let me know those lines so loudly. I ended with these words on my heart:
I am loved.
I am love.
•When can I feel the divine golden bubble protecting me?
• What spiritual practice enhances that awareness in me?
• How can I release negative thoughts or painful patterns?
• Do I remember to breath deeply often enough?
• How do I practice ahimsa?