This long string of hot days has suffocated me, made me crazy, feeling cooped up inside and disconnected ... from nature, Spirit, my calm self. I feel like a package tied too tightly with thin string and I am busting out all over, constricted and ready to blow at any minute.
Who is this person?
In summer, I feel as if I am on call ... to the world, taxiing this kid to camp and the other, somewhere else, visiting the hospital and completely ignoring my studio, the place I am free.
I am carried away by the tide as if I had no choice. And yet, I do.
I re-installed the AC in my studio Friday and am trying to meditate daily, grounding and reconnecting.
My wise spiritual friend has likened my dilemma to a strong river flowing with too many tributaries draining its energy and flow or the chaotic cornucopia of requests calling my gifts to action. I seem to think I have to tackle them all, then become paralyzed by doing them superficially without depth, meaning or, most importantly, my heart.
I am too open, not discerning what really is mine to do. That discernment seems to be birthing something. I feel the pain and long months of a seed growing slowly, but surely. It's been the summer of my discontent, but something deep is surfacing and only recently have I been able to articulate that it's I want my vocation back; perhaps not what it was prior to mothering, but something new that is mine. Something influenced by my experiences outside the workplace.
I have slowly revised the book I am writing – it's getting better and better – and crafted a tighter, more focused and more-me book proposal. My spiritual friend sent me an intention for publishing she had run across some time ago in a workshop. It's exactly what I need:
I am now announcing that I am [completing] a book and sending this announcement out to anyone who is a publisher and to anyone who is involved in bringing this work into publication for those whom it will serve best. It is my intention that the person to publish this book discover me and be brought to me and I promise that I will be available for that recognition. I understand that I have very little to do with this. That part is not mine. I understand that I am to broadcast the announcement like I am sending out a birth announcement and that a response will be sent to me. In this I trust.
There it is. Out there. My prayer now, is one for trust and patience ... some joy, too.
... also open to any suggestions, contacts, etc.
• How has being inside or sweltering outside affected me/my groundedness?
• How can nature center and focus me?
• Do I know another person who can also help me in that regard?
• How can I be a spiritual friend?
• What intention is it time for me to announce?
locked inside my house
feeling every movement
and breath of another
I could scream
hard to meditate
and the vicious circle builds
I am anything but grounded
a palpable, almost painful, energy swirls
in my chest, fighting for release,
birth, but it's not time yet
its laboring for calm,
peace and wisdom
to come forth