Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The pill waiting at Walgreen's

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Doors keep cropping up along my waking path, though in places I am between worlds: 
• The sauna where it's dark and steamy inside and the glass door radiates light, beckoning me when I am ready;
• The shower, again a steamy place I prefer in natural light, even when it's dim, and the door appears dreamy, maybe even sinister, with it's glowing yellowness behind. I am uncertain that I want to enter; and
• The pool door, blurry from my goggles specked with rivulets and willowy lanes I don't wish to abandon. Crossing this threshold does not appeal to me. I desire to remain in the living water.

Their meaning is not clear beyond the invitation to open one and walk into something else. I also have a major decision I am moving toward and not an easy one. It will mean opening a door. Which is the right door?

Again, I find myself floundering healthwise, teetering between conventional medicine and, perhaps, a quick fix and a longer route that could be a more permanent solution, getting to the root. No quarantees. A few weeks ago, after getting really stirred up and feeling I had done violence to myself, I internally asked: "Is it always going to be like this?" A small voice returned, "There is another way."

I trust that voice and am trying to open to what that other way may be. Is it:
• Following the practice of the presence of God like Brother Lawrence, whose book I randomly picked up again after ages? Is that enough?
• Trying a new medication that someone facing similar issues, someone I am close to, has found major relief with? This is scary as I tried comparable a long time ago. It helped for awhile, then set me back many months.
• Once again, seeking out a new [natural] practitioner, trusting them with my story/history, going back to square one and letting them find the root and maybe helping, maybe not? That is an investment in time, energy and money.
• Going back to the physician that suggested after a summer cancer scare that if problems persisted he could clear them up surgically. Is this even related? How much of a setback would that be?

When I asked a healer friend about the medication, she said to clasp it in my hand and ask God if this is what will serve Her/me best. I don't actually have the medication, but got a prescription and placed it. I have not yet picked it up. I have cupped my hands to ask, but not received an answer. I wonder if I need the actual pill in my grasp to know.

I am soon having a conversation with the person for whom this medication has helped. It's uncanny how many concerns about health we share.

I am tempted to speak with my shamanic counselor. I know we have been through this before and he tends toward the natural and spent months with me negating the previous prescription catastrophe. He always guides me back to my core, planting it deeply into the earth/Spirit and then everything seems fine. But not in the wee hours when something wakes me night after night, feeding my pain and creating anxiety where there is none when I sleep soundly. Suffering through the days as a result is not living.

I also wonder about asking my spiritual friend who has introduced me to archetypal astrology; perhaps she has either an answer or bit of wisdom.

I also understand this week holds significance for me. It's the 14th anniversary of the trauma that began this journey. How much attention do I pay to that? Do I bury it or is there wisdom there ... of lessons learned?

More questions and no real clarity. My husband and I made a pact about raising our daughters. When it came to safety concerns and we disagreed, we would always take the more conservative stance. Does this mean more waiting or have I waited enough? Is it time to act?

I really don't want to swallow that pill without being certain.

I do know that last night, when I awoke, something helped me back to sleep and I am clearer today than the day before. The pain is less and I am more hopeful. Praising God for that would align with Brother Lawrence's wisdom. That's enough in this moment, but experience teaches me it won't last. I also hold the promise Jesus made to me last winter in a convent labyrinth that I would be provided with what I needed to accomplish what was asked of me. Is it the pill waiting at Walgreen's?

• What doors are currently in my life?
• How do I discern which to open?
• How do I see Spirit leading me?
• What do I do when it isn't clear?
• How do I experience the presence of God when I am struggling?

with weeks of
fitful sleep and

hope was a given

I was grateful and
revved up into

the promise
had been fulfilled
and I could
keep up my end

and what about
when the sleep
is patchy,
the pain
and my reserves

how can I be clear
as to the
the one that
serves God?

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