Dreams, ego and gratitude

Embrace/pastel & paint on paper

My night was punctuated with waking and a disturbing dream, one I feel compelled to share:

I went to the meetinghouse [my Quaker church] one morning to see if I could rectify that Ministry and Counsel had not gotten my grant application. People – no one I recognize from real life, but they seemed like people I knew – were busy putting plates around the table, so I took one and sat down across from the clerk. When I’d mentioned that I’d put my application in the appropriate mailbox and wondered why my request had not been considered, he countered, saying he’d once put an invitation for a loaf of bread in mine and never even heard a thank you, then huffed off and took my plate, indicating that he was done with me. I was stupefied because I didn’t even know I had a mailbox there. I took another empty plate and was not going to be dismissed. There was a sympathetic presence next to me, but he didn’t say or do much, though I felt encouraged. After this scene, several people chimed in about the faults of my ministry and how I was only trying to do this or that (to gain attention). It all caught me off guard and seemed petty. Then, I awoke, confused and fearful.

I know where this originated: in my fear of really going through such a process and discovering, yesterday, that part of the grant had been misplaced. I thought I had gone to bed at peace, leaving it in Spirit’s hands.

After waiting the appropriate amount of time this morning to call the actual clerk, he pleasantly told me everything had been found and my request had been recommended for approval to the next and final level!

So where does this leave the dream? As part of my surrender, I believe. A few weeks ago God asked me to lay down on the pew of another Quaker Meetinghouse and surrender [it]. After argument from my ego, I did. Ever since, I have been learning what to surrender and this dream seems to be teaching me to let go of the fear of rejection and claim my gifts and myself.

Piece by piece, it is teaching me:

Dream: I went to the meetinghouse [my Quaker church] one morning to see if I could rectify that Ministry and Counsel had not gotten my grant application.

My Interpretation: By taking things into my own hands, I am not trusting or being patient.

Dream: People – no one I recognize from real life, but they seemed like people I knew – were busy putting plates around the table, so I took one and sat down across from the clerk.

My Interpretation: I invited myself into this process and felt confident and comfortable enough to take my place across from the clerk. There was room for me here, but I had to have the authority to take the initiative. It wasn’t offering itself to me; it required confident action.

Dream: When I’d mentioned that I’d put my application in the appropriate mailbox and wondered why my request had not been considered, he countered, saying he’d once put an invitation for a loaf of bread in mine and never even heard a thank you, then huffed off and took my plate, indicating that he was done with me.

My Interpretation: I am only thinking from my perspective, which may be uninformed. I did not know I had my own mailbox. Indeed, there was a place for me there even if not clearly explained. An offering of welcome and sustenance had been made. One I had neither noticed nor for which I had expressed gratitude. Perhaps my niavete looked like a dismissal and ruffled some feathers.

Dream: I was stupefied because I didn’t even know I had a mailbox there.

My Interpretation: At once I am angry that no one told me, but excited that I seem part of the community by having a mailbox. I do have a way to communicate with this group.

Dream: I took another empty plate and was not going to be dismissed.

My Interpretation: As I am learning the ropes of how this community operates, I will continue to be part of it. I won’t back away out of timidity or feeling less than.

Dream: There was a sympathetic presence next to me, but he didn’t say or do much, though I felt encouraged.

My Interpretation: I think this represents God’s presence with me at all times. Sometimes, to the point I hardly notice. I am not alone.

Dream: After this scene, several people chimed in about the faults of my ministry and how I was only trying to do this or that (to gain attention).

My Interpretation: This chorus was only echoing my doubts.

Dream: It all caught me off guard and seemed petty.

My Interpretation: Externally, I had not known these thoughts were brewing. When exposed, they seemed ridiculous.

This dream aligns with a conversation I had with my shamanic counselor two days earlier. We agreed that Spirit is asking me to surrender my ego and its high time I got out from under it’s oppressive vision of me as less than.

He made me repeat:

I am enough.                                                                                                                       I have enough.                                                                                                                     I have things to say and teach.                                                                                         I surrender. I surrender.

Thank you dream

for helping me to understand.

Thank you Spirit

for being so patient with me and

showing me the way, one step at a time.

That I can manage; otherwise, I’d freeze

in total fear.

Thank you faith community

for honoring my place among you

and supporting my ministry.

Thank you

for life.

• How has a dream opened new meaning for me?

• What happens when my fears are exposed to light?

• What’s my greatest fear of being in community?

• How have I been shown my value in community?

• Am I sure to express my gratitude?

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