Will eat some cheese

I am beginning to swing back into a post-summer rhythm even though the kids technically don't climb aboard the bus 'til next week. We're making them get up as if it were school, so it's not so tough when it is.

It also means I have returned to the gym for laps and 5:45 a.m. class. During one of those swims I had an epiphany as I often have ... though not during summer swims at the crowded and noisy, but gloriously  outdoor pool.

I realized, in a wordless way, that I really am fine the way I am, in the body that I have and with what life has offered me. I had known I was supposed to feel that way, but it finally sank deep into my tissues, as I need it to, to truly grasp any concept entirely.

OMG, I really truly have been fighting myself for so long thinking in my twisted mind that I should have done this, been that or had that. When, in reality, my being and experience are just as they should be.

When, exactly did all of that negativity and judgment of myself begin? Who knows, but our culture has certainly ingrained it more fully in me.

A more relevant question is: Can I release that unhealthy thought pattern NOW?

What would that look like, feel like and change?

Probably everything.

It really is rooted in the fact I am NOT in control except in how I respond to life and circumstance. My wise pastoral counselor says responsibility is the ability to respond. I think that may mean I have a choice as to whether or not to respond. My auto mode is always to respond, even if I have not one iota of energy left. And that, in a nutshell, is why I feel such energy loss.

Just because I can, doesn't mean I have to. Somewhere along the line I fell into the nasty practice of believing I had to give all of my gifts away whenever there was a need, even if it meant completely emptying myself [granted, sometimes emptying is filling and restorative]. That really does feed my ego and perceived identity as the helper (enneagram  type 2). I lost track of feeding myself. I was the one who could always be counted on to help, figure it out, be creative, etc.

Last night a strange little movie with an innocuous title, Post Grad, reminded me that life is not about where we aim to go, but who we're with ... and as I ponder that I also would add how we're with life.

A line from another movie, one of my all-time favorites, Bridget Jones's Diary, has become my informal mantra: "I like you just the way you are." That's all crazy Bridget wants to hear. That's all any of us wants to be told. Mostly, we need to tell that to ourselves.

My next favorite Bridget Jones line, from the book and not in the movie, is: "But what am I going to do with my life. I know. Will eat some cheese."

Feed myself, she's saying.

•  How can I turn off my inner critic?
•  How do I escape or counter the deadening and damaging cultural messages?
•  In what ways do I fight myself?
• In what ways can I relax that pattern?
• How can I feed myself?


so
locked and I
hadn't
even
noticed


couldn't
see
because
there
was
no
time
for
me


too
much
tending
to
others


resentment
built
at
my core


why
me?


why
my time?
my talents?


too tired
need to relax
just a minute to rest

but, NO
the ego
prevents me

because it
wrongly says
I am the ONLY
one who can

well,
what if
I can't
or don't?


WHAT IF?

Doubt is my biggest shadow ...

Umm... day 2, will this be a daily practice? Like Julie Powell cooking 365 days of Julia Child. Just not sure yet, but feel some commitment to regularity.

I find it interesting that I am reading Bridget Jonses’ Diaries and Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle – wildly divergent, yet both based on a regular progression of documentation. One fiction and one fact. One revolving round single life in late 1990s London and the other on growing one’s own food for a year. Yin and Yang, perhaps? But something about continuity and accountability appeals to me. Also something about “putting it out there," [maybe that’s why Bridget Jones appeals to me] a message I am repeatedly receiving from a higher authority, yet also from deep within.

I have privately kept journals, in the Quaker tradition without realizing it, all through my 40s and often find it a source of comfort, problem solving and creativity. It’s a place I can turn when it seems no one else understands or wants to hear “it” again ... the “it” du jour. Sometimes I journal religiously, others, not so much.

It seems mildly amusing that as a journalist for so much of my career, I never once considered keeping a journal ... “Just the facts, Mam,” I thought. Older and, hopefully, wiser. I find what’s behind the facts much more interesting and worthy of exploration.

I have two kinds of journals: one for words and another, for images, which often convey for me so much more than words can. I plan to post some of those images here.

Yesterday was quite exhilarating launching this blog (with so much forethought: a couple of hours ... really it’s been a whisper for awhile) and seeing it gain “followers.” Also humbling and gratitude producing. I hope the novelty doesn’t wear off. I joined facebook last year at this time all excited about “finding” old and new friends, then being less enthusiastic when it seemed kind of shallow. I desire a facebook with more substance ... not sure that’s possible given that its name so clearly states the intent. Or my bigger fear: that I have nothing worthwhile to say.

Doubt is my biggest shadow and I am learning to recognize, even honor it ... like the really long shadows of the trees today on the snow in the crisp sunshine.
• What are my shadows?
• How can I more fully integrate them?
• How can I honor them?
• Do I cast them on others, projecting what’s really just mine?
• Can I own them?
I am learning to trust the dark
and see it as not merely
the absence of light,
but the presence
the presence of all
the presence of all color

– Cathy
www.turtleboxstories.com is a place I have created for gathering and sharing the deepest stories of our hearts; please visit and/or share if you’re so inclined