Monday, November 21, 2011

Deliciously being cast about

Listen to this post:

Expelling ashy black/pastel on paper  Cathy Barney 2011
My pastoral counselor/massage therapist/shaman [how lucky and I?] says I am in my power and I am beginning to believe he's right.

But how come it's still so murky and not this even-keeled, easy way? I ask.

From a distance, it looks like it is, but when you're in it, it's soup, he responds.

So, I'm in the soup churning and bobbing and deliciously being cast about. I think deliciously is the key word. I'm not fighting it so much and, actually, beginning to enjoy the ride and the present. Currently not so attached to the future and recognizing and letting go of the hold the past has had on me. Not easy or one-step stuff.

Last night in the nurture group I facilitate, I asked a friend with an extensive knowledge of Buddhism if the state of enlightenment and not being bothered by anything is realistic. He explained that total enlightenment only comes when we all  reach that space and that some practitioners devote themselves to not attaining enlightenment in this life.

Imagine that: freedom from striving.

The group also talked about experiences and times of revelation: when we are most ourselves. Those were all times we were not striving.

For months, I have been haunted by the idea of something holding me up that doesn't seem quite right. Like it wasn't actually part of me. During a recent emdr (eye movement and desensitization and reprocessing) session, that thing identified itself as a parasite that really meant me no harm, but found a fertile place to live. Followed some days later with intense massage and release, I understand I have been holding some negative emotion or pattern in me that my body has suppressed and is now learning how to let go. Slowly. Layer by layer, the trapped sentiment is being uncovered and ejected and it feels freeing and healing.

Last night, we also talked about surrender, submission and enlightenment being a process, not one grand ah-ha moment.

I think I've been waiting for everything to be aligned in the way that I had envisioned before things can happen and not recognizing it's a process. One that should be nurtured and honored while it's soupy and unfolding, knowing it may always be soup. But delicious soup.

Who's got the crackers?

• When have I felt empowered, in the flow or most like myself?
• How did it feel like soup or something else?
• How present was I?
• How can I learn to be more present in those times?
• What's my most recent revelation or ah-ha moment been?

accompanied deep breathing
peels off the ashy black layers
revealing the baby pink
of new growth


it feels so good to
expel what does not

my body has
forgotten how to
relax, how to be

bit I am

letting go in my studio

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