[Recording located at end of post]
Those questions swirl. Yet, two days ago enroute to my shaman/pastoral counselor, I debated my session's focus, thinking that there is so much on my plate and wondering which is the right direction when IT hit: Oh, my God, I have so many possibilities right now in this moment and, instead of feeling overwhelmed as I have been, I realize it's because the fibromyalgia is not controlling my life. You are. It's been a long haul since I have had a direction beyond managing the chronic disease.
Tears rolled, the sweetness of joy and where I wish to remain. I don't want to begin to analyze and fall back into those old patterns that kept me hostage. I want to open, surrender and let Spirit in fully to work its magic in my life.
I arrived with my eyes still wet when Gary offered me tea. He always gives me a choice and I wanted to ask for gratitude tea. While waiting for the water to boil, five cardinals – one a brilliant red – flitted about the feeder outside the kitchen window. Spotting a cardinal has always been Spirit's signal that I'm on the right course. In the massage room, when the incident in the car spilled off my heart, Gary chuckled at the idea of gratitude tea. As I explained re-telling it made me weepy, he responded "Tears are fine here, tears are good."
He knows those 15 years of this journey that, with him, began as I hobbled onto his massage table and lay in fetal position, thanks to a car accident, until his healing hands began to uncurl me. Back then, I thought of Gary as my massage therapist. I'm not certain he thought of himself as a shaman yet. Apparently our journeys have intertwined.
It took me a long time to spill those first tears.
Now, however, I am able to detach from that injured soul, dazed from the pain. Those years seem like a dream of someone else. Perhaps a lost inner child. The jolt of the accident pushed me to a new place, forcing me to turn inside and, eventually, confront myself, my weaknesses, fears and ego. Even my dense astrology reading a few weeks ago uncovered my ability to transcend the interior like Persephone,* and confront my shadow. This time, it had joined forces with the fibromylgia, beating me into submission, but never completely cutting me off from Spirit.
I used to explain that my first encounter with centering prayer opened my heart like the aperture of a camera. That, at times, it would shift from narrow to wide, but never completely close. Right now, I feel it is wide open, letting sacred light in and showing shadow just who is in charge these days. God and after her, me!
Awakened is what I am. I confided in Gary that I feel like the – I hesitate to say old – me is back, that I am myself again. Only better, richer for having made this interior journey.
Along with surrender has come confidence. I belong in the world again. I am here for a reason beyond battling my demons, and can truly make a difference. God is first in my life, not the fibromyalgia or anything else.
Cheers from my cup of gratitude tea!
• When have I had a life-altering ah-ha moment?
• What spiritual or earthly help have I received in reaching that place?
• What did the joy and relief feel like?
• How do I express my gratitude?
• What happens when I truly put God first?
years of digging,
giving in and
left my side
not at my worst,
or most depressed
there was always
do I see
and sip my
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