Living on the edge

[Recording located at end of post]

23^rd Psalm

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

     He makes me lie down in green

pastures,

     he leads me beside quiet waters,

he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

     for his name’s sake

 Even though I walk

     through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

     for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

     they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

     in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

     my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow

me

     all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

     forever.

a youthful Charlie Hicklin

This Scripture is almost rote to me; learned in childhood and uttered frequently over the years. I find it, as many others, calming, though I have never examined why beyond familiarity. It recently re-captured my attention at the memorial for a dear family friend. He was a mentor and teacher though I never thought about his spirituality until the service. The celebrant said Charlie had jotted down "lack of fear is significant" next to the 23rd Psalm in his college Bible.

His note has really stuck with me. Yesterday, I told my shamanic counselor that I, sometimes, feel paralyzed with fear. Not always, but often on days when my sleep has been interrupted or I experience a fibro flare-up.

I am attempting to live Charlie's philosophy, crafted at such an early age. It brought me back to the Bible and this passage. In reading it lectio-divina style, a meditative method, I penned what the passage said to me, stanza by stanza:

Knowing you, God,

     I have all that I need.

You offer me rest and restoration

     among nature's beauty.

You help me still myself

     and know my soul.

You guide me in

     Your work.

Following won't be easy

     or always light filled.

But I will have no fear as I am

    never alone or out of your care.

[Interrupted by thought: Why is Jesus important? In him, God gave us something tangible to trust.]

Your discipline and support

     are my guides.

You invite me into

     seemingly dangerous situations.

Yet you protect me, make me sacred;

     give me abundance

[Interrupted by a phone call; a client saying yes to a a project ... abundance]

If you're with me in darkness and evil,

     then I can trust you to always be there.

You are always

     with me and I, with You.

I find this contemplative Scriptural reading and my interpretation immensely helpful as I discern some next steps about vocation. When discussing following Spirit with my shaman, he said he believed I liked living on the edge. The edge? Spirit's. Gary knew I was concerned for the fate of the old school I occupy, where I have based my current work. He cautioned that following does not mean I won't be homeless.

God's real promise is that She will never leave me. She does not pledge health, wealth, shelter or immortality. Just that we will never be alone in those circumstances.

That is the edge when compared to the cultural myth that materialism equals success and happiness. Life, I am beginning to understand, is about growth with and toward Spirit.

• What does the 23rd Psalm say to me?

• How does fear affect me?

• How do I give that to God?

• What do I believe is God's promise?

• How do I live on the edge?

Listen to this post:

Where ministry meets livelihood

Listen to post:

Yesterday was sandwiched between a traditional Bible study and a new women's group on astrology and archetypes. Could I have chosen anything more different? One is an ongoing study of Luke that my mother initiated in December with, mostly, retired women. I felt called to join because when else might I have the chance to do a Bible study with her? The other is lead by my wonderful and wise spiritual friend and I would sign up for anything she has to offer.


Though they seem like polar opposites, upon deeper inspection, I find they are not. Both are ways of figuring out who we are and what our purpose is. One centers on the word of God and the other, on what lessons the heavens, which God beautifully created, have for us.


Just a few months ago, I would not have envisioned myself either place.


I have struggled with the Bible, not being able to separate the rote and drilled-in meanings of Sunday School with what Scripture actually has to say directly and personally to me. I have experienced breakthroughs in practicing lectio divina (a slow and sacred reading of a brief passage) and when Conservative Friends practice an open-your-Bible-and-be-lead-somewhere study. The first two lessons of the current study actually turned me off with the amount of pure work in filling in the blanks and charts. I wondered what I was actually learning. But you know, it has stuck with me. What has been especially enriching is the perspective of each of the women. It's an eclectic, though not more diverse than Catholic and protestant, group of great faith and wisdom. When I have fallen into my old pattern of literal interpretation, they have reminded me of the beautiful metaphor and poetry of Scripture. And it has spoken deeply to me, reminding me I am called ... as we each are. It has helped me determine where, exactly, that is.


Astrology may as well be Greek to me. But, because it is so symbolic, I am drawn to this new language. Even just learning some very basics last evening and looking only at the patterns in our birth charts, I was amazed at how much I have experienced is affirmed and confirmed. For example, the arrangement of the planets at my birth creates a "splash" pattern, somewhat equally divided. My able instructor suggested it meant I was a "universal" person, a jack of all trades. She also included a description of my zodiac sign, Capricorn. The pattern and sign indicate I have may talents with a penchant for perseverance and slowly ascending to the top, a lonely trek. What it all helped me see in a very detached and clear manner is that I am often hung up on which direction to take because I am able to do differing tasks. Also, that even though I feel called to ministry, I can create a livelihood from it. That's pretty big stuff. We also learned about the meridian and hemisphere divisions. I tend toward the night, being more interior, slower to bloom and controlled by circumstance. However, I also have "daytime" planets, which means I can be extraverted, in charge of my own destiny to some extent and function in the social world. WOW.


I have been playing with all of these lessons, as well as those from last week's retreat, in figuring out my next move. I looked at potential studio/teaching space today and wonder where my ministry meets earning a living. Before today, I thought those were concepts that could not meet; even not sure they should. Today, I believe I can weave them together in creating a new life and calling, which blesses me and others.


WOW. I would not have gotten to this place without Scripture, astrology, last week's contemplative time, a lot of centering prayer, this week's activity, lots of friends and grace.


• When have diverse modes worked together to teach me?
• How do I open myself to new ideas and methods?
• What ministry may be swimming in my heart?
• How do I feed it?
• Where is my balance between ministry/retreat and vocation/work/activity?


learning about Jesus
from Luke at a long
distance from Sunday school
and in the company of
eager and wise listeners


shows me what is waiting
for me, if only I pay
attention and open
to what lies in my heart


oddly enough,
grounding that experience
is peering into the stars
to see my path, where
I've been and what choices
I now can, wisely, make


a heavenly marriage