Partner forever and always

This is part two of the talk I recently gave about Artsy Fatsy Saturdays as ministry during Quaker Quest at Cincinnati Friends Meeting. I shared part one last post.

...

In a different world, one in which I used to live, I would have the next five years of Artsy Fartsy planned. I don’t live in that world anymore. Ministry, this ministry, doesn’t work like that. I often wish that it did. However, when I look back and see where I have come, I understand that if Spirit had showed me where I’d be now, I never would have undertaken the journey. It would have been terrifying and overwhelming. I can only handle one step a time; Spirit’s wisdom.

I have funding and space through the end of this year and a boatload of kids clamoring to keep making art. When I knew I’d likely be losing my school space, a wise Quaker friend asked which came first, the school or the program. The program, I responded without hesitation. That gave me a clearer picture of my mission.

This has been a continuing journey of doing it my way, then standing back and letting God lead. For example, I assumed we’d fill all 16 slots the first year when we held an art day and registration. Eight signed up and six showed up the first session, all girls. And it was wonderful. We expanded more organically, adding kids as our reputation grew, parents began to trust and kids engaged more deeply. It’ still evolving and I spend a lot of time talking to new parents about the program. Funny, I have had a lot of kids and parents not so in need ask me about joining, and it just doesn’t have the same appeal for me. I want to work with the kids who need it most and have the least. That’s where my heart is.

I find that the Thursday afternoon before each session has become sacred as I make reminder calls to parents. I reserve a few hours because this is a time I get to really connect with parents, mention how their children have excelled, been creative or well behaved. I find they are starved to hear these things about their kids. And, I only tell them the truth. I also write each child a personal note every month, affirming them in some way, my way of seeing that of God in them, borrowing the phrase from Quaker founder George Fox, and helping them see it in themselves.

I seem to be constantly tested about whether I can surrender this program, which keeps my ego in check. My care committee also challenges me, asking if the program should change in any way. I try to be open to where I am being led.

Of course, there are days that I want to chuck it all. Like the one a few months ago when I learned a major funder had upped their grant three months and I’d had not way of knowing. I had a good cry and God moved me to ask Cincinnati Friends for more help, which they gladly offered. Some days I wish all I had to worry about was gathering the kids and making art. Those are often the days I run up to visit for some reason and become surrounded by all ages asking things like “Miss Cathy, when will I be old enough? Will Artsy Fartsy still be here next year when I get into fourth grade? Can my sister come? “ And I know there is energy to continue.

I have a vision for deepening this ministry to include: all of the mothers who could learn to relax and care for themselves through yoga; plant a community garden and teach families how to grow their own food, eat healthy and economically; get funding to build a community room laced with wifi and computers, etc.

And, if, for some reason, everything came to a crashing halt I would know I had followed my heart and could strip down to just being a good neighbor, perhaps just showing up, up there to make group art. Simply. No matter where this leads, I have been transformed. Just when I thought I was full, God stretched my heart a little bit more.

The words of John Woolman, an American Quaker born in 1720 who followed leadings at great danger and risk to travel among and befriend Native Americans and abolish slavery, have echoed in my heart during this ministry:

“Love was the first motion, and thence a concern arose to … understand their life and the spirit they live in.” [The Journal of John Woolman. Vol. I, Part 2]

• When I live by listening to Spirit, how does my world change?

• If God showed me everything at the beginning, convincing me to tag along, how would I react?

• When has God's way proven infinitely better than the one to which I affixed myself?          

• What's it like to live one day at a time, in the present?                                                              

• How do I know when I have followed my heart?

neither my work                                                                                                                           nor my life is orderly

life, especially in                                                                                                                                 the spirit, seems so                                                                                                                  messy, random and                                                                                                      challenging

I often don't                                                                                                                                    feel up to                                                                                                                                               it; too many                                                                                                                      roadblocks                                                                                                                                     and obstacles                                                                                                                                    in the path

I use so much                                                                                                                              energy                                                                                                                                              trying to clear                                                                                                                                  them all

when that's                                                                                                                                       NOT my job

I forget I                                                                                                                                             have a partner                                                                                                                            forever and                                                                                                                               always

Listen to this post:

Transparency of evil

Evil disguised/pastel on paper

Sandwiched among e-mails for hair and penile implants, get-rich-quick schemes, you-must-have-this-and-that offers and those unveiling conspiracies, I, fortunately, find Truth. I have to wade through a lot of muck to uncover it, but it’s worth it for these snippets feed my soul and affirm that wordly wisdom is rotten to the core.

These beacons help me shake the earthly doubt and understand my sacred place.

The words of Henri Nouwen and Richard Rohr are what I long to hear. Today’s meditations from both reach my heart. Nouwen, though dead since 1996, has left his mark as a priest and prolific writer who spent his last years serving people with disabilities. Rohr is a Franciscan priest, ecumenical teacher, writer and founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation.

Rohr, to whom I was recently introduced, has been writing about the evils in our society, the first of which he calls “the world” of group selfishness and the spiral of violence. The second is “the flesh” as witnessed in murder, stealing, rape, lying, adultery and greed. From those, emerges the third, often construed as fully justified because it manufactures systems: oppressive governments, legal, penal, military, economic behemoths we are taught to worship and not question.

According to Rohr: 

“The devil’s secret is camouflage. The devil’s job is to look very moral! It has to look like we are defending some great purpose or cause, like ‘making the world safe for democracy’ or ‘keeping the bad people off the streets.’ Then you can do many evils without any guilt, without any shame or self-doubt, but actually with a sense of high-minded virtue.” 

A few years into my tenure as a Quaker, I asked our minister for his thoughts on evil. I’d had a frightening experience driving home one night from the Meetinghouse after a particularly mystical evening. Everything red glowed at me in a menacing way from the red traffic light to the glow of tail lights. I’d really never believed in a devil, so I wanted his opinion.

I was a bit stunned. He said he believed in institutional evil that takes on a life of its own. Wow, I thought; he’s right and we don’t even see, let alone, question it. This is the third evil Rohr names.

One of my gifts is seeing systems and seeing into them. I hadn’t known it was a gift until recently. They become these super structures that require energy, high maintenance and complete authority; the antithesis of simplicity and Spirit.

This is why I am struggling with my art-exploration ministry for local, under-served kids. It’s a beautifully simple program until I seek funding. Fortunately most of the grants have not been too complex. But, I am beholden to them. Then, if I want to seek individual donations, I’m advised to get non-profit status (filling out a form for the state and sending a $125 check) and an IRS tax exemption, requiring a 30-page document, legal expertise and thousands of dollars in fees.

That’s if I want to grow the ministry. I’m thinking bigger is not better. I want to serve these kids and their community more deeply, not necessarily serve thousands. I want to help these children and their parents see their value, tap themselves within and express what’s there. It’s not a manufacturing process. Early on in this ministry, someone thought they were being kind in offering that their friend operated something similar that served 10,000 kids. Can you imagine the structure that requires?

In this world, unless you’re building, improving, getting bigger, richer or reaching more people, you’re not a success.

I feel very little in that venue. And insignificant. I’m a middle-aged woman with fibromyalgia called to a ministry of spiritual nurture in writing, groups and with at-risk middle schoolers. I have yet to be paid, though, fortunately, most expenses have been covered. And people in my neighborhood and faith communities have been so generous with time and materials.

On the other hand, this – right now – is where God calls me and my gifts.

Thank heavens, today, I read the Henri Nouwen meditation:

Downward Mobility The society in which we live suggests in countless ways that the way to go is up.  Making it to the top, entering the limelight, breaking the record - that's what draws attention, gets us on the front page of the newspaper, and offers us the rewards of money and fame. The way of Jesus is radically different.  It is the way not of upward mobility but of downward mobility.  It is going to the bottom, staying behind the sets, and choosing the last place!  Why is the way of Jesus worth choosing?  Because it is the way to the Kingdom, the way Jesus took, and the way that brings everlasting life.

I am still reflecting on a recent worship experience in which Spirit told me to lay down and surrender. And, I am trying.

• How do I view evil?

• How does Richard Rohr’s view shape this?

• How do I participate in the systemic evil?

• With awareness, how can I shift away from supporting it?

• How does Spirit direct me to lay down and surrender?

sitting, writing, contemplating,

praying, creating in an air-

conditioned studio

wondering about

my part

in society: the

good and bad

but, more

importantly,

discerning where

God calls me and

if I have been

faithful

Listen to this post:

Where ministry meets livelihood

Listen to post:

Yesterday was sandwiched between a traditional Bible study and a new women's group on astrology and archetypes. Could I have chosen anything more different? One is an ongoing study of Luke that my mother initiated in December with, mostly, retired women. I felt called to join because when else might I have the chance to do a Bible study with her? The other is lead by my wonderful and wise spiritual friend and I would sign up for anything she has to offer.


Though they seem like polar opposites, upon deeper inspection, I find they are not. Both are ways of figuring out who we are and what our purpose is. One centers on the word of God and the other, on what lessons the heavens, which God beautifully created, have for us.


Just a few months ago, I would not have envisioned myself either place.


I have struggled with the Bible, not being able to separate the rote and drilled-in meanings of Sunday School with what Scripture actually has to say directly and personally to me. I have experienced breakthroughs in practicing lectio divina (a slow and sacred reading of a brief passage) and when Conservative Friends practice an open-your-Bible-and-be-lead-somewhere study. The first two lessons of the current study actually turned me off with the amount of pure work in filling in the blanks and charts. I wondered what I was actually learning. But you know, it has stuck with me. What has been especially enriching is the perspective of each of the women. It's an eclectic, though not more diverse than Catholic and protestant, group of great faith and wisdom. When I have fallen into my old pattern of literal interpretation, they have reminded me of the beautiful metaphor and poetry of Scripture. And it has spoken deeply to me, reminding me I am called ... as we each are. It has helped me determine where, exactly, that is.


Astrology may as well be Greek to me. But, because it is so symbolic, I am drawn to this new language. Even just learning some very basics last evening and looking only at the patterns in our birth charts, I was amazed at how much I have experienced is affirmed and confirmed. For example, the arrangement of the planets at my birth creates a "splash" pattern, somewhat equally divided. My able instructor suggested it meant I was a "universal" person, a jack of all trades. She also included a description of my zodiac sign, Capricorn. The pattern and sign indicate I have may talents with a penchant for perseverance and slowly ascending to the top, a lonely trek. What it all helped me see in a very detached and clear manner is that I am often hung up on which direction to take because I am able to do differing tasks. Also, that even though I feel called to ministry, I can create a livelihood from it. That's pretty big stuff. We also learned about the meridian and hemisphere divisions. I tend toward the night, being more interior, slower to bloom and controlled by circumstance. However, I also have "daytime" planets, which means I can be extraverted, in charge of my own destiny to some extent and function in the social world. WOW.


I have been playing with all of these lessons, as well as those from last week's retreat, in figuring out my next move. I looked at potential studio/teaching space today and wonder where my ministry meets earning a living. Before today, I thought those were concepts that could not meet; even not sure they should. Today, I believe I can weave them together in creating a new life and calling, which blesses me and others.


WOW. I would not have gotten to this place without Scripture, astrology, last week's contemplative time, a lot of centering prayer, this week's activity, lots of friends and grace.


• When have diverse modes worked together to teach me?
• How do I open myself to new ideas and methods?
• What ministry may be swimming in my heart?
• How do I feed it?
• Where is my balance between ministry/retreat and vocation/work/activity?


learning about Jesus
from Luke at a long
distance from Sunday school
and in the company of
eager and wise listeners


shows me what is waiting
for me, if only I pay
attention and open
to what lies in my heart


oddly enough,
grounding that experience
is peering into the stars
to see my path, where
I've been and what choices
I now can, wisely, make


a heavenly marriage

Somewhere deep within

Listen to this post:

Seeing a physic for clarity? Who'd a thunk. Funkier yet, is my Quaker meeting sent me ... well, to scout out the fair as a potential place to staff a booth. It is the "Victory of Light" festival and Quakers believe that each of us contains God's light within. Many of us – Quaker or not, Christian or not – know it from experience.

I had always wanted to attend this event and this request sealed the deal. It also took the edge off of making it a personal journey, though it would become one. I was going as the observer.

As the observer, I was overwhelmed at the marketplace thick with readers, healers, therapists, sha-men and women, trinkets, crystals, books and anything metaphysical you can imagine. It all seemed too material upon first entrance.

I glanced at the schedule and one talk immediately jumped out at me: the past lives of Jesus. Having just come from an hour of worship, I was looking for something of depth, perhaps even familiar. I ducked in about two minutes late to hear a conversation about the many others Jesus was before he was, well, Jesus. Odd, I thought until I listened longer. The speaker was knowledgable, mentioning the Essenes, Gnostics, and Aramaic as being Jesus' original language. And then he spoke of Edgar Cayce, a name I could only vaguely recall. Cayce was a prominent last-century physic healer with a Christian tradition. Much of his work revolved around past lives. I was riveted, but a little uncomfortable. I had only toyed with the idea before.

My shamanic counselor has hinted that some of what I deal with may be "old" stuff. Now I was thinking that I should investigate this old stuff a bit. I purchased a report from the lecturer that combined my birth details (time, place, location) with readings Cayce had made for others with the same astrological data.

I am still bowled over by what it contained as well as its depth and completeness. I shared it with my longtime spiritual friend, who knows much more about metaphysics, and she was impressed.

I learned that my intertwined affinity for water and spirituality is natural because my moon is in Pisces ... ok, I don't really know what that means. In terms of the past, I have a connection to Atlantis. It is so strange that I felt called to Greece several years ago and chose Santorini and Crete. Some believe Atlantis excited between them. I was drawn to the sea around Santorini and created a ritual of leaving pain behind there because it was evident that, in this place, beauty arose out of chaos (a volcanic eruption that destroyed Santorini and may have caused the decline of the Minoan culture on neighboring Crete).

The reading affirmed and confirmed my calling to ministry in writing, one on one and in groups: exactly what I am doing! It pinpointed areas in which I am challenged and can grow and indicated Jesus is my best role model.

Venturing outside of my norm has opened new possibilities into self exploration and knowledge, shedding more light within. I don't believe this was a random experience.

• How do I experience the light within?
• When have I been called into something out of my comfort zone?
• How has that opened me?
• Opened my spiritual experience?
• In what ways do I see Jesus as model for my life?

darting in
wet from the rain
not knowing
what to expect


but being drawn
to Jesus


in the midst of
crystals, reflexology
and card readings


and finding myself
somewhere deep 
within