Lean love

Who am I? How often do you ask yourself that question? On some level, I think I am constantly seeking the answer. I don't want a reflection of who I am, I want the Truth, the naked Truth.

Today's answer isn't so very pretty. It's one of the rare days I can't shake the blues of chronic pain and one more symptom to handle. Vertigo has decided it's time to call again on top of all of my other house guests: poor sleep, stuffy nose, headache, sinus pressure, neck ache, shoulder and hip pain, tight jaw, and constipation. I have a daily regimen of supplements, netti-pot, exercise and food intolerances to handle. I am grateful that they have worked all summer. Until the hammer of stress came crashing down as it does periodically on all of us. And I kept pushing through.

That mess of annoyances is about all that I can see. My pattern is to retreat, where it takes less energy to survive until symptoms recede. But I don't think that's the healthiest route. It seems one of the patterns I need to break. Last week, I spent a good deal of time pouring over some astrology interpretations from the amazing monthly group I attend under the guidance of my spiritual friend, Char. In this space, I have been able to delve deeper into who I am, or am meant to be, and look beyond the drive-me-crazy symptoms. According to the stars (and planets and their interactions), I have been blessed with many gifts and the means to use them. I am, they say and I know myself, a late bloomer. I married later, had my kids older and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I also must follow my own path, which  includes a lot of excavation. I joyously e-mailed Char Monday that I had meticulously gone through all of the material and how happy it made me, how affirming and confirming it had been.

So what's changed in a a day or two? Nothing that I haven't already dealt with the past 16 years. Shortly after I began this post, I looked up, frustrated. I didn't want to whine or be in that self-pitying place. The large signing dangling from my studio ceiling saying "Take a Break" was the first thing that came into focus as I adjusted my eyes away from the computer screen.

I get it, I thought. I doubt the instructions could be any clearer. I quickly Googled what movies were playing and opted to forgo unproductiveness and truly take a break. I settled on the "100 Foot Journey" with Helen Mirren. I'd selected the book a year ago for book club and was thoroughly delighted and entertained ... to the point I'd forgotten it was fiction. In my rushing to the car to make the show, a van driver flagged me down, lost. I drove her to the highway, stopped home briefly and was on my way, arriving ahead of the previews. What wasn't to like: food, France and Indian culture. The scenes shot in Paris brought tears of gratitude for the trip we had as a family this summer. "God, you have been so very good to me," I said silently. I didn't add the "but why am I always struggling" as I had earlier.

One of the things I have been learning about myself by studying my natal chart is that I need to periodically treat myself and take breaks. I tend to push through and deny myself. I've been pushing ... all summer. From a wonderful vacation at the beginning (that I completely planned from scratch, which I love but can be stress-inducing), to balancing kids home and more outside work, some stinging upsets (learning I must relocate my studio and Artsy Fartsy and that I missed a major grant deadline), getting my girls off to school while my husband was out of town (I honestly don't know how single parents do it) and settling my oldest into college courses this week as part of the post secondary enrollment options program. Did I mention we have also have a new driver? 

It is just life, dished out to us all. I live it hard, forgetting to breathe and, often, to enjoy. One of my recent astrology lessons is to let life flow through me. I wonder what that looks like, exactly. Here are a few of the other lessons I am cultivating:
• To live out of abundance, confidence and trust;
• To follow my dreams and truth;
• To let go of fear;
• That boundaries are necessary, barriers are not.
• To bring the past forward;
• That my security in life rests in Spirit.
• To put power and energy into intention.
• That healing requires pruning the excess;
• To rely on my (inner) resources and that looking within gives me the most clarity;
• That's is ok to risk and create new structures to replace what isn't working any more.

I am calling all of this lean love and am thinking that I used a little of that on myself today by going to the movie instead of wallowing in my studio. Hooray for me – I AM learning.

• What's my gut reaction to stress?
• What are my go-to patterns?
• What patterns must I seek to change?
• Where do I find Spirit in the mess of life?
• What lessons about living and loving am I learning?

allowing myself
the luxury
of half
the workout

grateful
breast stroke
didn't induce
vertigo

racing around
to drop my daughter
at school even
though my husband
offered

why? I now
wonder

finding the grace
to take a few hours
off, dreaming of
France and food

sneaking in a grocery
trip, attempting
dinner, an aborted
bank stop and
getting my daughter to
her first night
class on time

when, again
my husband
offered

why, God,
do I insist 
on killing myself?

Listen to this post:

Gratitude as game-changer

It was Tuesday, blogging day, and now it's Thursday and I'm still not certain I'm up to the task – rebounding from Saturday's community open house for Artsy Fartsy, the arts exploration I host for under-served neighborhood kids. Told myself, I could crash this week after many weeks of preparation and pushing.

Quietly, I am pleased. Pleased that I have not crashed as hard as I thought I would after months of planning and implementing. After long, full days, endless phone calls and to-do lists. After assigning jobs and delegating responsibilities. After being offered and accepting so much help. After  recognizing it was God who got me through.

I have not been this busy, well in this capacity [as the mother of two, I have to qualify that statement], in the 15 years I've had fibromyalgia instead of a full-time job. In a sense, I was mothering this project and the 13 middle schoolers in Artsy Fartsy.

I am bone-tired and achy. I skipped my regular Monday ritual of yoga, but have re-initiated my daily exercise regimen. Just now working up my studio routine, though I dipped in Tuesday to make a belly cast of my niece and her 38-week baby. However, Saturday after the event, I lingered long past when everyone left to re-group, unwind from the extreme extraversion this open house required and sink into the idea of what had transpired.

I poured over the guest book to get a handle on who attended and how they found out about us. Pretty enlightening, though intuitively I had a good sense of our visitors. And then, I unfolded 49 notes left in the basket at the center of the labyrinth. The hand-written sign encouraged those making it to the middle to leave a note of gratitude. There were lots people expressed thanks for:

• Joy and energy of young people
• My life and my neighborhood
• Health and family – that I have love in my life
• Family
• Stuffed animals and my dad
• Having good parents
• To be surrounded by family and friends who care about others
• Someone I can trust
• My kind loving husband and my beautiful, gentle, sweet children
• To have a world
• My family and pets because I wakeup and know I am safe and sound
• Health and companionship
• Family and friends, my artistic ability and my Xbox
• This good neighborhood
• Being so well off
• Random acts of kindness
• People who pay it forward
• All of God’s creation (plants/animals)
• Quiet, peaceful time when I can be creative
• Grandkids
• Pie
• Live and let live. Love and be loved.
• I walk this labyrinth in honor of my daughter
• Peace: inner, outer, throughout
• Everything
• This special place
• Doctor Who
• Mom, dad, dog, life
• The ability to love
• Oneness

A good many seemed like love letters to Artsy Fartsy. Those were totally unexpected; they really blew me away. 

• I am grateful that Jehovah God is with Cathy and this great group of kids.
• I am thankful for my wonderful family and for people in our community who create beautiful programs like Artsy Fartsy.
• I am thankful for neighbors and what a great gift they have given to the community.

It was a delightful surprise to know others see AF's impact the way I had hoped and prayed it would be. It lulled me out of the disappointment that half of my kids didn't show. Or that I missed my 200 visitors goal by about 80. That only one council person and one school board member attended. That people that said they would come, didn't. That, mostly, this was over.

I began to recognize how the five girls and one boy that had made it utterly rose to the occasion and shone as brightly as ever. That one woman with great connections delighted in one of the girls and, not only saw her potential, but seems to want to establish a relationship with her. That another's split, but full, family came to encourage her: mother and sister, father, grandparents and cousins. That one who began the program so shy, volunteered to demonstrate yoga and did not mind that her partner didn't make it. She also brought a thank-you note explaining how much AF meant to her:

Thank you for creating Artsy Fartsy. If you wouldn't have done that then I would't have learned a lot about Art. You have inspired me. I hope to be in this again. Thank you again.

And another, the only girl in a long line of unruly boys showed up with perfect hair and a smile to match.

How can I not smile and see what God's hands have wrought through me and so many others? It's so very humbling.

• How do I keep myself faithful to God's call?
• When do I know I have been?
• How do others encourage me?
• How does God show me the abundance in my life?
• Where do I discover love in my community, neighborhood, friends, family and myself?

Listen to this post:

Banishing the nots

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It hit with a thud the other day, though it's been rattling around awhile forming. Probably even an unexpressed thought at some point, that's how it works with me. Now it's starting to sink in, taking root. I am supposed to live based on God's direction in my life; not my own, or worse, not in comparison to others.

The comparing is killing me. I don't even know when it started and am so entrenched that it's hard to spot. Our culture insidiously promotes it, creating a source of anger, jealousy, self doubt and host of other evils. Awareness, however, is a great detective. 

I don't drive a Mercedes like the guy at the gym. Or have a skinny body like the woman next to me in yoga. I don't rush to a cushy, prestigious corporate job or possess a degree beyond a bachelor's and minute of ministry [let me tell you, that was hard earned!] I don't live in a McMansion. I'm not famous, beautiful or particularly confident ... when I make those comparisons. I am not successful by material, or the usual American, cultural standards.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

I am tired of living with a deficit and ready to embrace abundance, gratitude and my gifts instead of the shiny allure of so-called Western success.

I am often reminded that choosing a creative life [well, it chose me] forces one into a realm apart from the cultural norm. It's a special place not for the feint of heart or unimaginative. The path can be difficult and lonely; much like the spiritual path. They are one and the same for me. Creating as the Creator. Is there a better role model? Frankly, I don't understand how one can live any other way. I, apparently, can't. I felt chewed up and spit out after joining Corporate America once. Now it's time I honor this life, my life.

I am experiencing abundance, though not in the form I or society would have expected: not by my own hand. Instead from the generosity of others: two Quaker organizations funding my creative-nurture studio and under-served kids' art exploration and, more recently and closer to my heart, the 173 packs of crayons so many neighbors, friends, members of my faith community and, even strangers, donated. They will be distributed to the 150 kids who live in the complex where we'll offer an arts sampler program registration. I wanted to give each one something, a gift for creative expression, even if I can only accommodate about 16 in the arts program, nurturing them all academic year. I smile when I recall the giant box an older couple in my Quaker Meeting walked out to my car. It contained 60 packs of crayons! The generosity is astounding.

In a time when I would have expected to be taking on a job and stashing money away for my girls' college, I find myself knee-deep in developing an arts organization with no salary. This is where God wants me and I have no fear that I will receive whatever it is that I need. I have so far, including a rousing example of living into the Mystery of Spirit. A dear friend and mentor recognized her business was consuming her and opposing the very reason she created it. When regular channels broke down, she gave it away. Gave it, I said ... to people who needed it and she walked away RELEASED. I felt the power of Truth when she related the story.

She's helped me re-set my barometer, turning it away from financial gain and toward happiness and being right with God. I am re-penting, re-directing and setting my compass toward Spirit. And, right now, my heart sings of all the things I am and can do. The "nots" are banished.

• How do I let God direct my life?
• What tools do I use?
• How am I swayed by cultural norms?
• Where can I find a mentor, example or support?
• How can I make my heart sing?


once again,
sitting in my steamy
prayerbox of a
sauna after burning
off the anxiety

by letting the
water turn
my heart over

there is
room for God

and my heart
speaks up,
confessing
the brain's
busy comparisons

distilling my
life to deficits

and the
interior
bulb beams
on, strongly
flashing:

I will walk
the path
toward God

and
nothing
else

Wiggling my toes with joy

Listen to post:

What a roller-coaster week. I have been battling my fears and, just when I felt at my most scared, received wonderful news: that I have been awarded another grant for the under-served kids’ art program I am organizing.

Truthfully, on Tuesday, I was ready to hang it up because of so many obstacles. I came to my studio anyway; I just wanted to be here, in this space that God has called me to create.

I had written an e-mail to my landlord, checking in and asking for some things that had been neglected. I was expecting him to balk. He didn’t. On that note, I collected myself and went to Turtlebox Studio. I made a few calls trying to sort out some new information; someone I trust said transportation is a huge issue for this program. In my simple mind, I thought the fact the school is walkable to these kids was enough. He said I could be held accountable; another trusted source said the kids won’t come unless someone shows up to drive or escort them.

How dim I’ve been, I thought. I believed creating the space and program and offering it were enough. The thoughts spiraled out of control, triggering so many fears: that I had no idea what I was doing, that I’d be personally sued, that I would be forced to move or, when my trial period is up, the rent would be too expensive … yadda, yadda, yadda.

To distract myself, I decided to check e-mail and there it sat: the message that I am the recipient of another Quaker grant*; this one to supply and furnish my art room. Not only that, but there was a bit more available. It also said: “May the abundance of God’s love for you cause you to wiggle your toes with joy!”

I choked up and tears formed. God truly answered my heart cries and kept the promise Jesus made last winter that I would be given what I needed. It was so tangible and came at such a poignant time. There’s no way it could be other than Spirit’s handiwork.

The news helped me relax and see that part of my journey is to trust and not work myself into worry. Trust and I will receive. I heard or read somewhere that worry is a prayer for disaster. And I wrote here several posts back that, for me, trust = energy. So, I’m thinking that trust is a prayer for receiving what I need. And I just got it.

Now, I will sit back and wiggle my toes with joy!

• When have I experienced God breaking through as I am at my worst?

• How is that a game changer?

• What has that taught me about trusting?

• About relaxing into Spirit?

• About gratitude and hope?

consumed with a

mission,

bent on a

schedule

pressuring myself

to perform

and, well,

do it all

until I buckled

and almost

gave up

then a sunny

reminder that

this is God’s

work, not

just mine

and it’s

supposed to be

energyzing and

joyful

God will

provide

all I must do

is trust

*many, many thanks to Good News Associates, their generosity and vision

http://goodnewsassoc.org

Giving away abundance

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Abundance is not about receiving, but, rather giving, I am learning. Late into the night, I awoke continuing a recent pattern. Instead of dreading the experience, I decided to befriend it as a wise healer has suggested. Amazingly, when I did, my breath began to deepen and push out the swirling energy lodged in my chest.

I'd had a reiki session earlier in the day and the practitioner did a lot of sweeping. "I just felt like you had so much on you that needed to be [re]moved. For awhile your exhales will be deeper than your inhales as you shed, but watch for the moment when that changes and your inhales become longer. That's when you will begin to take in something like a wind sweeping through."

So the long exhales took over in the night, sweeping the swirling up, not down where I had been focusing them. Up into my throat. A voice suggested I work on giving rather than receiving and I felt a much-needed shift in my body and psyche.

I am slowly experiencing the process of the shedding exhales and, meanwhile, contemplating giving. My morning swim was all about breathing and noticing. Paying attention to how much better it felt to release [give]. In the sauna. which I have affectionately named my prayer box, the concept of giving again embraced me, replacing the fear, withholding and scarcity mode in which I have been operating. It feels wonderful: freeing, opening and my path, not a dark detour.

About two weeks ago I had a revelation about my vocation and my faith community that was big. Too big, I now realize. I have been discerning it – wisely, for once – and see that inspiration was the whole picture, not the manageable steps I need to move forward. Those involve merely giving for now with trust (via a little nudging) that if I can give for the sheer joy of it, abundance will follow through grace and no action or thought of my own.

I am to revel in my freedom of giving, casting off the shackles of seeking to receive. One of the tools I hold is the practice of gratitude. When I look at all that I have been bequeathed, it bolsters my courage to trust I will have the energy to give because it emanates not from my broken body by from the Source.

Perhaps 2:30 a.m. is my prime prayer and meditation time. Who'd have thought?

• What is my experience of giving?
• Of receiving?
• How has that affected my perception of abundance?
• How and when do I experience abundance?
• How do I practice gratitude?


hoarding is,
well, unhealthy


it closes us off,
builds walls and isolation


grows fear, anxiety and separation


we are meant to share,
give and, by doing so,
receive


in community
through community
and for community


then, we are truly
nourished


even in our solitude

Locked in my own monastery

www.turtleboxstories.com

Financial alchemy.

The title of the session listed in an e-mail the day before startled me. I would have never – in a millions years – put those two concepts together. Dirty money and mystical transformation? There was no way to make a reservation, so I just showed up. Early. Early enough to meet the presenter alone and make a deep connection ... over turtles, a symbol that adopted me a long time ago, no less.

Jenefer noticed I was wearing one and said they represent an old soul. I told her I was attracted to them after collecting stories of people's experiences of the Divine and believing a mere paper was not the proper container for something so precious. The idea of a "turtlebox" [ www.turtleboxstories.com ] jumped into my heart and head. Later a friend informed me they symbolize the meeting of heaven (the domed shell) and earth (the belly) – the perfect place, besides my heart, for these sacred stories.

"So you just asked people to talk about those experiences?" Jenefer asked almost in disbelief. "Yeah," I responded, "although it was within a spiritual context." I have not thought about them in such a long time, but it was such an amazing venture – to actually sit with others while they explained their dance with Spirit. I told Jenefer I'd like to be able to walk into a room of strangers and ask the same question. She said she desires to get to the deep stuff quickly, too. No small talk for us. We went right to turtles.

Another person joined us and we had a cozy group. My heart almost leapt out when Jenefer explained there is a bridge between spirituality and money. "What the heck?" I could hear myself thinking. "How's that?"

First off, she asked me to take my wallet out of my purse. I played along. She said it was "pretty." I hadn't the nerve to confess that I had only recently purchased it, the first that wasn't a gift or strictly utilitarian. The purpose of the exercise was to show that money should be respected and honored. That, yes, it was a tool, but not an evil one as I had described my love-hate experience with it. She said to carry more cash than you think you should and you will feel its abundance. I balked when she said how much she carried as well as what she paid for her favorite purse years ago. The day before, Lily, my youngest, had been watching Let's Make a Deal, and I detest game shows [especially game shows centered around money], but she convinced me to watch. I could not understand the pregnant woman obsessed with the $500 purse she was offered. She wouldn't trade it for anything. "Just think what all you could do with $500," I thought.

At financial alchemy, however, I gave it another thought. I would never let myself spend that kind of money because ... well, I assumed I was not worth it. Yep, Jenefer said our views of money are extremely tied to our self worth. I am beginning to see how right she is.

We had two pages of "messages" to read through and hone in on those that spoke to us. I resonated with most all of the spiritual messages, but a couple others stuck out:
1) I want to change the frequency, or the vibration that I may be sending out to the world and the universe.
2) I want to move beyond my survival needs, into my spiritual yearnings.
3) I want to be free of the judgment that I throw toward people who have a lot.

Number one scared me because of its truth. I know my spiritual and creative vibrations reflect the true me, but others, especially those money-related, do not. I have been living in scarcity mode, fearing there will not be enough. "Fear," Jenefer says, "is a faith issue, not financial." I agree.

Number two is the bridge she spoke of earlier. It is a tool I must understand and can employ in a positive spirit. Somehow I have imprinted in my mind and body that living a pure spiritual life involves deprivation, sacrifice and suffering. I've gotten good at those. Think it's time for me to step on that damn bridge and cross it.

Number three I did not initially understand. I know I am an extremely tolerant person when it comes to the have-nots. But the haves have little place in my world. "Envy and jealousy," Jenefer says, "are your GPS. You can't see it [in others] unless you have it [yourself]." Compassionate me jealous? No way. Maybe yes way. I had read my feelings more as disdain, not realizing they tie into that notion of deprivation and suffering.

The Universe, Jenefer said, wants us to thrive AND prosper. What a radically freeing and delicious notion!

I have been restricting myself, fighting money, when I need to open to its abundance. Quoting from Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, Jenefer said one quality of the rich is they know how to receive, not just give.

Fighting myself, now that seems to be a common thread. I had a dream recently about being pursued by thugs and an awful one in particular. I was running to a high spot away from the urban area and its violence when a stray and powerful tornado touched down in the city and destroyed everything, bringing stunning silence. The message I received was to replace violence with silence ... maybe abundance as well. Thanks to Jenefer, I can see that piece now and continue working on completing the puzzle of my wholeness.

• How do I feel about money?
• Can I give AND receive?
• Are there inherited attitudes or patterns I can or should shed?
• How can I incorporate the practice of gratitude and abundance into the way I interact with money?
• Can I tell myself I AM worth it?


I have locked myself
up in my own monastery


thriving in some areas,
depriving myself in others


thinking this is what
purity means


when, in truth,
I need to just be myself
fully, wholly and with
abandon


... and some extra
cash in my wallet

...
Jenefer Annenberg is a life-empowered catalyst and can be reached at jenefer@radiant-esence.com

Deliciously my heart smiles

BIG sigh. My body sloughs back into relaxation, my mind is blissfully blank.

I could be frantically packing to drive 17 hours over two days to Florida. That was the plan. Neat, tidy, organized and loads of work. I vacuumed the car over three hours last Saturday and spent Sunday afternoon making a slipcover for the back seat because the kids say the smell of the fabric [not my favorite, either] makes them sick.

I had a plan and I was sticking to it, stuffing down how much work and bodily discomfort the trip would be. I was resigned to the drive, having scanned travel sites for months trolling affordable airfare x 4. Then an out-of-the-blue e-mail alert Tuesday and carefully-laid plans crashed. Rising up in their midst was an easier agenda of flying to Florida for barely more than the cost of gas, food and two nights of hotel bills.

Caught me so off-guard I almost missed this gift. I am used to working so very hard for things. I am certain my first-born status has much to do with this ethic. But very recently, I opened my eyes to the abundance in my life, scratching out the long-held pattern of looking at what I don't have. I believe that began 12 years ago when fibromyalgia snatched something from me. I am reclaiming it and looking at the silver lining as well as all of the other blessings in my life. And the more I find to be grateful for, the more rolls in. Including less pain and more energy.

My pastoral counselor reminded me that God(dess) only wants abundance for me. Which makes me ponder where the negativity originated. Do I dare wonder out loud about evil? I have never believed in a personified or organized evil, but, in recent years, do risk to consider it. I have had the conversation with a number of people, though it's not a casual topic, nor one I would enter into lightly. For so long, I have put much of it on myself, but I do question whether other "things" are at work. I've experienced, in times of heightened spirituality, everything red popping out on a nightly drive as if menacing and a pair of beady eyes. Overactive imagination or something else? The yin to the yang?

I told my first Quaker minister [technically, Quakers believe we are all ministers] about the eerie drive home and asked him about evil. He said his belief was pretty well confined to institutional evil: when an organization grows so big it takes on a dynamic of its own, almost outside of the people it serves and who compose it. I can conceptualize that.

Just a passing dark thought, nothing that will rain on my living abundantly.


• How have I adjusted my attitude to one of gratitude and abundance?
• When I have, what difference does it make?
• How do I feel Spirit in that mode?
• What is the reverse of an abundant spirit for me?
• What negative patterns or concerns about darkness do I hold?



deliciously relaxed
into the idea that I have ALL that I need


and intentionally practicing gratitude


trusting Goddess for what I need
so against my programming and culture


yet so freeing and life-giving


the smile in my heart knows
this is how to live

Abundant voice

Lately, I've been reading about writing more than writing, stumbling onto a book called "Writing to Change the World" by Mary Pipher. I am most fascinated about the pages on voice; particularly her observation that:

"voice is like a snowflake – complicated, beautiful, and individual. It is essence of self, distilled and offered in service to the world."

I find that rather profound and deeply truthful. Also very counter to what the secular, physical world teaches and accepts.

Voice is about being,
                             being yourself,
                             being yourself in the world.

Shortly after savoring that passage, a link popped up from a facebook friend with this nugget:

"I know it’s not easy being an artist. I know the gulf between creation and commerce is so tremendously wide that it’s sometimes impossible not to feel annihilated by it. A lot of artists give up because it’s just too damn hard to go on making art in a culture that by and large does not support its artists. But the people who don’t give up are the people who find a way to believe in abundance rather than scarcity."*

I've almost given up lots lately, looking at where I wasn't getting within the "system" instead of recognizing the power and truth in my voice. A power and truth I am unable to shake, therefore, unable to quell. It will out itself no matter what I do, so I may as well cooperate and free myself. I believe we all must in whatever form that voice manifests. It has done me harm to quiet it and I am beginning to believe again that I do have a message to share with the world, but – better yet – I have myself to share.

And there's the mirror I am for my daughters that tells me if I can't do it for myself, then do it for them. My heart is singing that I do it for myself as an act of love.

Imagine that: loving myself
                           loving my voice
                           loving my voice in the world

• How have I developed and nurtured my own voice?
• How intimately are we acquainted?
• How do I share it?
• Constrain it?
• How am I creating a place for my voice in the world?


pure silliness, I say now


had it been someone else, I could have been objective


chiding myself for closing off my voice, creativity and passion


because one person said it wasn't unique


she LIED


then I lied to myself


NOW, the truth is out

...
* see the entire blog entry at
http://therumpus.net/2011/03/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-69-we-are-all-savages-inside/