Creator not a destroyer

The debate today is which topic would be most meaningful to write about:
A) Boundaries and how I must keep them as I open my studio tonight to what could be some negative energy. Would be a good follow up to the last post on vulnerability.
B) How in certain, odd moments, Quakerism resonated so deeply within me that I think I was always Quaker.
C) The injustices and misinformation I witnessed attending a public hearing on the building I occupy with my studio.
D) All of the above.

Think I am settling on D because I can't seem to unbundle any of these threads. 

Of course the place they connect is within me and my experiences this week. And they also focus on the fate of a place very near and dear to me: Milford Main School, where Artsy Fartsy was birthed and flourishes. I have been following the fate of this building for years, but most especially since I moved in the spring of 2012. It was always my understanding that is would not be a permanent home as the district was attempting to, somehow, disassociate from it.

For months, I have attempted to gauge the interest and energy level of the community in rescuing the building, but no one seemed interested. A group for preservation formed, but petered out. There's been a lot of talk and fond memories of Main, but no one has put their money where their mouth is until recently. A developer was the sole offer to the school district for the building. Many others passed it over. His plan is intense: 92 apartments aimed at seniors, wiping out so much of the space the public has come to rely on as theirs.

His plan has passed frighteningly fast through city re-zoning channels. Frighteningly. And it all came to a head Tuesday evening in a six-plus hour public hearing. I had thought this building remaining was a dead issue, until Tuesday. Something like 40:3 spoke in opposition to the plan, which dismantles the school. Maybe there is hope, I sang all the way home.

Which is why I agreed to host a meeting tonight in my safe space to see where the energy is flowing. However, some are only bent on stopping the current project, nothing more. And stopping it at almost any means. My view is that if the city could see a new vision, they may not feel so compelled and desperate to say yes to what's on the table. I am a creator, not a destroyer.

Unfortunately we have arrived in this space because of years of non-action and no one stepping up for the community. The district has not wanted the building in ages and the city, it turns out we learned Tuesday night, actually declined the district's free offer of it. Why was it quiet and no public discourse? Who made that decision for us?

We also learned that the district is tearing down two other schools, not historical like Main, giving the property on which one sits to the neighboring township for $1 and taxpayers will foot 73% of those tear-down costs. What if we'd rather those funds go to preserve Main? No one asked the public.

The public hearing was run more like a trial and unlike any I have ever experienced, which is pretty many with my long tenure as a local-government reporter. The city attorney facilitated the meeting insisting that everything be clear for "The Record" should this go to trial. Anyone who wished to speak had to be sworn in.

Did I just hear that, sworn in? I asked myself. Good thing I had written two letters and had not planned on speaking, because I would not have taken the oath. Quakers believe your word should always be impeccable, so there is no need to swear. I have asked the city attorney about that, but not yet received a reply. I also stood alone not saying the pledge of allegiance in that gathering. I have always thought it intolerable to pledge allegiance to a thing. Yes, the things represents our government, but that is not what rules my life. Of course I am law-abiding and respect and value our democratic process, which was in full form Tuesday evening. It wasn't until I became Quaker that I had a reason for that gut feeling. Quakers don't pledge to anything or one but God, otherwise it puts that person or thing above God in their view. Mine, too.

The developer and his expensive entourage had first crack at the public hearing and they all played to the council seated ahead of them on a platform above the audience. [Our Quaker Meeting disassembled its low-rise platform years ago so as not to place anyone at a higher level than another.] It was an hour and 45 minutes into the meeting before the public got its turn. The self-appointed time keeper, the attorney, said they had only taken 38 minutes. Besides not believing his accuracy, I heard almost a warning in those words, as if residents should shush themselves. They were limited to 2 minutes each, but that was never enforced.

After three-and-a-half hours, I left hearing nothing new in the last hour. I applaud the council members and residents that stayed until the bitter end, 1:15 a.m. I have never witnessed a public hearing lasting that long. Residents had a lot to say, perhaps more than one hearing can accommodate.

The fancy money spoke fancy and cited pedigrees. The middle-class residents spoke from the heart, some more eloquently than others, some very emotional and others twisting bits of truth. I grew somewhat uncomfortable with where I was sitting as a group hysteria formed: people cheering others on and jeering at comments with which they disagreed. At times, it felt more like a sporting event.

I merely listened.

So, what to DO with all of this? Extend the invitation, ask respect for the safety of the space, pray all day in the space and let Spirit do the rest.

• How do I keep healthy boundaries?
• How can I get sucked into others energy?
• Are there spiritual practices to keep me on track?
• How do I live with integrity?
• How do I let Spirit in on all aspects of my life?


a quiet
writing
day
eroded

by obnoxious
drilling
outside

seeping
through
the windows

into my
brain and
around
my heart

like a
lethal vine

drilling
that preceded
construction

as if it
were a
done
deal

when
it wasn't

agitated,
I wandered
to the
most silent
room

at the
interior

where,
by no
accident,

I discovered
the forgotten
bulbs
in parched,
cracked soil

sending up
green shoots

there is life
yet
in this
old building

Listen to this post:

Lean love

Who am I? How often do you ask yourself that question? On some level, I think I am constantly seeking the answer. I don't want a reflection of who I am, I want the Truth, the naked Truth.

Today's answer isn't so very pretty. It's one of the rare days I can't shake the blues of chronic pain and one more symptom to handle. Vertigo has decided it's time to call again on top of all of my other house guests: poor sleep, stuffy nose, headache, sinus pressure, neck ache, shoulder and hip pain, tight jaw, and constipation. I have a daily regimen of supplements, netti-pot, exercise and food intolerances to handle. I am grateful that they have worked all summer. Until the hammer of stress came crashing down as it does periodically on all of us. And I kept pushing through.

That mess of annoyances is about all that I can see. My pattern is to retreat, where it takes less energy to survive until symptoms recede. But I don't think that's the healthiest route. It seems one of the patterns I need to break. Last week, I spent a good deal of time pouring over some astrology interpretations from the amazing monthly group I attend under the guidance of my spiritual friend, Char. In this space, I have been able to delve deeper into who I am, or am meant to be, and look beyond the drive-me-crazy symptoms. According to the stars (and planets and their interactions), I have been blessed with many gifts and the means to use them. I am, they say and I know myself, a late bloomer. I married later, had my kids older and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I also must follow my own path, which  includes a lot of excavation. I joyously e-mailed Char Monday that I had meticulously gone through all of the material and how happy it made me, how affirming and confirming it had been.

So what's changed in a a day or two? Nothing that I haven't already dealt with the past 16 years. Shortly after I began this post, I looked up, frustrated. I didn't want to whine or be in that self-pitying place. The large signing dangling from my studio ceiling saying "Take a Break" was the first thing that came into focus as I adjusted my eyes away from the computer screen.

I get it, I thought. I doubt the instructions could be any clearer. I quickly Googled what movies were playing and opted to forgo unproductiveness and truly take a break. I settled on the "100 Foot Journey" with Helen Mirren. I'd selected the book a year ago for book club and was thoroughly delighted and entertained ... to the point I'd forgotten it was fiction. In my rushing to the car to make the show, a van driver flagged me down, lost. I drove her to the highway, stopped home briefly and was on my way, arriving ahead of the previews. What wasn't to like: food, France and Indian culture. The scenes shot in Paris brought tears of gratitude for the trip we had as a family this summer. "God, you have been so very good to me," I said silently. I didn't add the "but why am I always struggling" as I had earlier.

One of the things I have been learning about myself by studying my natal chart is that I need to periodically treat myself and take breaks. I tend to push through and deny myself. I've been pushing ... all summer. From a wonderful vacation at the beginning (that I completely planned from scratch, which I love but can be stress-inducing), to balancing kids home and more outside work, some stinging upsets (learning I must relocate my studio and Artsy Fartsy and that I missed a major grant deadline), getting my girls off to school while my husband was out of town (I honestly don't know how single parents do it) and settling my oldest into college courses this week as part of the post secondary enrollment options program. Did I mention we have also have a new driver? 

It is just life, dished out to us all. I live it hard, forgetting to breathe and, often, to enjoy. One of my recent astrology lessons is to let life flow through me. I wonder what that looks like, exactly. Here are a few of the other lessons I am cultivating:
• To live out of abundance, confidence and trust;
• To follow my dreams and truth;
• To let go of fear;
• That boundaries are necessary, barriers are not.
• To bring the past forward;
• That my security in life rests in Spirit.
• To put power and energy into intention.
• That healing requires pruning the excess;
• To rely on my (inner) resources and that looking within gives me the most clarity;
• That's is ok to risk and create new structures to replace what isn't working any more.

I am calling all of this lean love and am thinking that I used a little of that on myself today by going to the movie instead of wallowing in my studio. Hooray for me – I AM learning.

• What's my gut reaction to stress?
• What are my go-to patterns?
• What patterns must I seek to change?
• Where do I find Spirit in the mess of life?
• What lessons about living and loving am I learning?

allowing myself
the luxury
of half
the workout

grateful
breast stroke
didn't induce
vertigo

racing around
to drop my daughter
at school even
though my husband
offered

why? I now
wonder

finding the grace
to take a few hours
off, dreaming of
France and food

sneaking in a grocery
trip, attempting
dinner, an aborted
bank stop and
getting my daughter to
her first night
class on time

when, again
my husband
offered

why, God,
do I insist 
on killing myself?

Listen to this post: