Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Unwrapping the naked me

Where's the balance between letting go and using our gifts in making things happen?

I tend to swing one way or the other and am a novice at the balancing act. As I wrote last post, I am jumping out of my skin to get away by myself and settle into my real work. Not organizing after the holidays or busywork. But the works that tugs at my heart. Namely, re-packaging the 12-years of journals I have been compiling into a more artful and reader-friendly fashion thanks to the help of a respected editor and a later inspiration AND finding myself again. The naked me beneath the mess of gift wrap, knotted body from overextending and fragile self that now seems lost.

I must confess that the lost fragile self is not as lost and fragile as it previously had been, just somewhat worn from the barrage of the holidays. That self seems to have emerged from the cocoon of fibromyalgia and rearing young children and, in struggling to shed its casing, searches for the best place to land. Not any place. The best place. The one God calls.

I have had an offer of consistent work, not freelance, not contract and not a client. Very part-time with people who know, love and accept me. It's not the sort of position I would have dreamed I'd ever take. But it is an anchor. One for which I am searching. I am not certain it is the right anchor.

So, I need to retreat to sort all of this out.

I had a wonderful suggestion for this get-away, but it was not dependent upon the person who proposed it. I grew impatient in the waiting because my mind, body and spirit would not wait. So I put feelers out several places and had other bids. One unsolicited.

I have choices and though one clearly seems like the answer, I am overwhelmed at the generosity of others in helping my heart find peace as well as its pace.

Yesterday, however, I was a mess. Anxious about where I would temporarily land, knowing my soul needed a boost by being away and uncertain about the offered job. I felt the creative force in me would erupt if it did not have a definitive resolution to when it would be let out with no distraction. When I mentioned this to several at Quaker meeting yesterday, I was met with empathy and understanding. And some yearning, I suspect.

Today, because I pushed, I have the right solution. For me, for now. If I had left it alone, I would still be waiting for something that may or may not pan out.

Today, my soul is peaceful and joyful knowing it will soon have its own space.

So where's the balance?

• What lessons have I learned about letting go?
• And about using my gifts to make something happen?
• Where does the balance lay for me?
• Must I decipher that case by case with discernment?
• What can my prayer be in these times?

all balled up

from too much tinsel
and feasting and family

too concentrated
no spaciousness

which is what I require

to thrive and listen to God

my soul panicked,
but now rests

knowing it will soon
have its chance to shine alone
sans the obligation, tradition and protocol

with only God's call


  1. wonderfully said! Enjoy your time alone and with God. We all need this regularly! You will be in my prayers!

  2. thank you, Carolyn ... that means a lot!