Cruising through Facebook’s newsfeed, I stumbled across the post of an accomplished acquaintance revealing that she feared showing something she was developing to someone of stature and experience because it would be lacking. Instead, he raved about it and then there was a wonderful link to the course of study. Rich, detailed and well written, it occurred to me her work is similar to mine. With a few exceptions: credentials, perhaps more polish and a venue in which she is paid for her work.
I sulked for a minute, probably feeling the same doubt she described. I am little, I thought.
Stinging a bit, I scrolled down the page and found an amusing cartoon of a guy at the doctor, an x-ray on the light table showing a rectangle between his ribs and the caption: “Good news! You’ve got a book in you, just waiting to come out.”
That, I believe, was God at play, reminding me I am doing my work, all of which is contributing to the book in me, and my friend is doing hers and there is plenty of room for both. It’s not hers or mine, one is better and one, lesser. Not just room for both, but plenty of room.
This on the eve of my first advisory-committee meeting of six gifted individuals who will help me birth my longtime dream of nurturing local, under-served kids with a free-spirited art exploration program.
Why do I have to remind myself not to measure the success or importance of work by money?
I had wanted to begin last night’s advisory meeting with the Quaker act of centering as we each arrived from another place than the other. But we came in shifts and that didn’t seem to fit. I was grateful to have all of this support, but in the midst of talking, I started to doubt. Doubt my direction, doubt my inspiration to host this program, doubt there will be the necessary resources. [I am still waiting to hear about two grants.] The same doubt that reared its head reading the Facebook post yesterday.
When it kicks in, it so colors my perceptions. I think what transpired was a lively discussion and a session of bringing this wonderful variety of supporters to the place where I am.
I am: for me, that’s code for the presence of God. Last night, it seemed all about being understood. Today, it looks more like a group movement toward Spirit. I must trust that this transition of taking my program into group ownership is a shift in the right direction and that I must relax my grasp.
I’m not sure I know what that feels like, but I am going to playfully experiment with relaxing my grasp.
• When have I doubted recently?
• What stirred that experience?
• How do I respond to doubt?
• What surfaces?
• What, of God, lays beneath?
so much pushing
to get it all right
spell it ALL out
so everyone knows
where I am
and then I am
to take off my ego
for a minute
and listen to
where God is